Welcome to my Nightmare- Day 1

I want to start my blog with what happened to my family a little less than three months ago. There should be a trigger warning here, it's not a nice story you want to read at bedtime...

On December 29, 2022, I was the mother of two beautiful, healthy boys. Logan was 2 and a half, and Teddy was 15 months and 6 days old. That day we were vacationing in Delaware at my father-in-law's house. It was my turn to wake up with the boys that morning, so we woke up, had breakfast, and then the boys started running around and laughing together, as per usual. They loved being at that house because there is so much more room there than our small apartment in Queens, NY.

We went to the boardwalk of this adorable beach town and looked in the cute bookstore and comic book shop before returning to the house to spend time with family. They came over and we had pizza and salad. They had come with the expectation of our boys entertaining them, and Logan and Teddy did not disappoint! Teddy was particularly clingy and tired, so I tried to put him down for a nap and he didn't want to sleep, so out he came. As I wiped the tears from his face he immediately calmed down and snuggled into my arms.

After the family left, I noticed Teddy was getting a little fever, so I sent my husband out to get some baby Motrin. A few months prior, he had a febrile seizure from a high temperature, so my husband and I were very conscientious of his health and took precautions to prevent it from happening again. The Motrin worked and Teddy was in good spirits. That night we went out to a delicious dinner and had a lot of fun. Our children were always very entertaining to other guests of wherever we were, always laughing and playing and being utterly adorable.

Driving back to the house Teddy fell asleep, and I remember so clearly taking him out of his carseat and holding him tight, taking extra care to not trip on any of the stairs and disturb him. Both the kids were sleepy and it was bath night, so my husband gave them a bath. During the bath Teddy started shivering and looked genuinely scared, so we got him out, I dried him off and put him in his fleece jammies. By the time he was in his jammies he looked better and that scared look had gone away. I set him down and he toddled off to see what his brother was up to.

It was my turn to put him to bed, so I gave him his milk in his sippy cup and rocked him to sleep in my arms. He barely drank anything, and we gave him some more Motrin. We had put a space heater in the room since that one got especially cold the night before, and we wanted them to be comfortable. We thought about keeping him in our bed that night because he was developing a troublesome cough, but Teddy really liked his space when he was sleeping and had never actually slept with us in bed before. We also thought about putting the pack and play in our room, but decided against it for some unknown reason. We figured that since Logan had just gotten over a cold, that was what Teddy had, and after a good night's sleep he would feel better.

I kissed his little cheek, told him I loved him, and laid him down on his back. As always, he immediately flipped over onto his tummy and I high-tailed it out of the room in case he woke up. My husband and I settled in to watch Shark Tank and have a snack. For about 45 minutes, we heard Teddy babbling and laughing. I kept muting the TV and listening to him, incredulous that he was still babbling so happily.

Most nights before my husband and I go to sleep, we look at photos from the day, and share our gratitude for our life and our beautiful boys. That night was no different (except no picture sharing), and we fell asleep pretty early. We had a big day planned ahead.

The next morning (December 30, 2022) it was Paul's turn to wake up with the kids and we heard Logan stirring, so he went into the bedroom. I will never forget the sound of his voice saying, "Claire?" I had never heard him like that before, and I knew in my heart that something was very wrong. I leapt out of bed and ran into the room where he had laid our precious Teddy down. He was gone.

As I write this, I feel everything I felt that morning. The shock, the panic, the horror of the moment. Mind spinning, searing every detail into my memory. The the fuck just happened? I remember screaming, "Teddy noooooo!!! Paul, he's gone, he's GONE!" He was so cold, and his little body was already rigid. It was the most horrible, horrifying moment of my life.

I will spare the details of what my little angel baby looked like, but I will never forget it. It is seared into my memory and I often relive those moments. In fact, I relive them daily, no matter if I want to or not. I think it is my brain reminding me that he is really gone. It's hard to understand that I will never see his living face again. Now I can only see him in the photos and videos we took while he was here. When this thought comes to me, which it does so very often, it rocks me to my core. I am used to fixing problems, but there is no fixing this. My baby, Theodore Xavier Zurheide, is no longer on this earth. All of our plans, our hopes, our dreams, our family as we knew it, is utterly and completely shattered. There is not a moment that goes by that I do not miss my boy. Time won't heal this. This loss is forever.

Bleak, I know! But it's the truth, and it needs to be said. Moving forward my goal is to let you all in on my day-to-day. My truth as I see the world and how I am trying to live in it now. Until then, stay safe, and hug your babies.