I'm stuck. Since December started I just feel stuck, like I was floating along, doing my thing, building our life here in South Carolina... and then December hits and I just can't seem to ... move. And every time I get a Christmas card in the mail, or check my socials it's slapped in my face that I will never be the same. My whole world changed when Teddy died, and now I have to somehow pick up the pieces and keep living.
I had this horrible thought on Christmas - a day that is supposed to be filled with laughter, joy, hugs, and family bliss - "How many years do I have to keep doing this?" It kind of shocked me into the present. I have a beautiful, sweet, loving, and fiercely independent 4-year-old. I have a husband, who is grieving in his own way. I have a 6-month-old puppy who keeps us on our toes. I have a 17-year-old cat who is still strong enough to yell at us for food (even though she always has it in her bowl) and jump up on the bed to lay on my head and purr at night. Those are all good things, right?
But this emptiness, this sense of stuck, is always there. Today we are taking down the Christmas decorations. I wouldn't normally do it this early except the tree is so dead and droopy it's getting depressing. Gambit keeps crunching on these little icicle ornaments that I have had for like 20 years, Logan keeps putting things in the wrong place, and I am just sort of paralyzed by ... everything. Paul is trying his best, but also keeps putting ornaments in the wrong containers.... why am I so persnickity about things being in their proper place? I suppose I just have this need for these things to be organized and orderly - everything in its place. I learned that from my parents.
I suppose this feeling of emptiness is also a symptom of being so far away from all of our family. For the past 5 years we have spent the holidays with them, so this is the first year we have really been on our own. And it feels like it. I just feel kind of lost and forgotten down here. Part of it is that my nuclear family growing up is not very tight. My parents aren't really connected to us or our lives (I mean me and my brothers), so if I ever want to talk to them I have to call. Which has always been the case. Ever since my freshman year in college, I have had to call home. The only calls I get are when family members are sick or have died.
I have spent the past 2 days trying to write this post, that's how stuck I feel! Here's a little peek into what has happened in the past 12 hours...
I put Logan to bed (in our bed, of course, because he has spent a total of 2 whole nights in his room in the past 2 years), and then read until I got sleepy. As soon as I turned off my kindle my eyes snapped open and my brain woke up. And it stayed that way until 4:00am. I cross stitched and watched "Dexter" until I forced myself to go back to bed. I read until I went to sleep and was woken up by Logan and the dog at 8:00am. And even now I am so exhausted but don't want to go sleep alone in our room...
I had kind of a strange revelation this morning. I feel like December 29th is so hard because it's not just the last day Teddy was alive, but it is the last day of my normal, happy life. Last night I was looking through my journal entries from my current journal, and I was so sad that I hardly ever wrote since Teddy was born... I realize that was because I was so busy living and loving my boys. Every journal entry did say how happy I was and how much I love my family, so that was nice to see.
I don't know what to expect today, but I will say I would love to have folks reach out in any way. I miss my people, and I would like to hear from you :) If you are feeling really generous, we don't have any disposable income right now and would honestly love a grubhub gift card so we don't have to worry about cooking for the next couple days. Right now we are going with Gambit to the dog park before it starts raining again.
Love you all <3
Please enjoy this video of a tiny glimpse into the joy that is Teddy!
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