Usually when I wake up in the morning, I check social media. You would think I would have stopped doing this long ago, but for some reason I just keep doing it. You know what my feed is full of? Either posts about parents with dead babies, or my friends posting pictures of their living children, and lately so many pregnancy announcements. And it kills my soul. I so want to be happy for people who are actually able to truly enjoy the holidays, but there is this gaping hole in my heart where Teddy should be alive and thriving...
Last week (well, now several weeks ago because I put this post on pause) my wonderful coworker had her baby. I have been working with her since June and have watched her pregnant belly grow and grow. She ended up having her second son and he is healthy and they are both doing well, thank god. I had so much anxiety about it. When you live in a world where babies die every day, I don't think there is a choice about imagining the worst-case situation where everyone dies.
I offered to take her older son, who is 5, out for a few hours so she could try to rest and at least not take care of two kids. We ended up going to a little Christmas festival that was CHAULK FULL of triggers. Giant fake Christmas tree with huge ornaments - BAM! Teddy's last day alive with us and him walking around the tree and touching all the oversized ornaments saying "ball!" in his tiny, sweet voice. Our last family photo in front of the tree... The last truly happy memories I have of Christmas time.
Standing in line to see Santa - BAM! Waiting for over an hour in line at Macy's, watching Teddy and Logan play together in line... touching the fake snow with their little feet... Teddy copying everything Logan did... Teddy seeing Santa and getting upset and us having to leave before he had a huge breakdown... I almost had a panic attack.
Seeing all these adorable children dressed up in their Christmas outfits - BAM! I will never be able to buy my boys matching Christmas clothes again. Fuck me, this is horrible even writing it down.
Lately I feel this weight pressing down on me. I have been sleeping a lot more than usual, and I have trouble getting up to do much. I just want to be alone, but I hate being alone.
Now it is December 12 - I think I started writing this post on like November 25th or something... Now sleep is elusive, and when it comes it is full of strange nightmares. The other night I had one where I had another baby, but we just named him Teddy and decided he was the reincarnation of our Teddy. It felt so horrible when I woke up, because I knew it wasn't Teddy, and I knew that baby was forever going to be trying to fill the shoes of a child he never met.
We were able to cook Thanksgiving dinner and then get our Christmas tree that weekend. Usually we get it the day after Thanksgiving, but we didn't have any energy to do it. I have been slowly adding to our Teddy tribute mantle, decorating it for the holidays. It has actually made me feel more connected to him, which is so necessary. Once December starts it just feels like a slow trudge towards the anniversary of his death, and if I let myself stop to think about it I'm afraid my heart might stop. We also made a candle for him with some charms that remind us of him - a little teddy bear, a sunflower, a little box of fries (he loved fries so much!), and Logan picked the smiley face beads.
Thank God for Logan and his Christmas-loving spirit. This kid has been begging for a Roomba J7+ for the past 6 months. I have a feeling Santa heard him when he asked for it at the festival a few weeks ago! He keeps me going. Although my PTSD has been pretty bad lately, and I have to feel him several times a night just to make sure he is still breathing. I went on an imaginary horror spiral the other night because I imagined he also died in his sleep, and I had to live through my only other living child die. I swear, if that ever happens I will leave this earth.
So with all this sadness and trauma, is there anything good happening in my life? Yeah, actually! I have been working really hard at my job on our holiday offerings for our families. Last Friday we had a Stingrays night, where we went to see the local minor-league hockey team, the Charleston Stingrays. It was SO fun! We had about 100 attend, and we got to go be bench warmers for the team and watch them warm up. Another group was able to be down in the tunnel to cheer the team on as they entered the rink, and then we were all sitting in the same section. It was just such a fun time, and I love getting to know our families better.
Then on Tuesday we had our holiday family workshop, where we decorated ornaments for our loved ones. Paul and Logan came and it was really fun. It was so much work to put together, and the whole time I was so scared of making it a good experience I kept second-guessing everything. But it went really well, and Paul made some beautiful ornaments.
Now we have no more events until just before my boss comes back to work, and I am counting the days till I am not the only program person there! I am also so grateful to be part of a community who has experienced grief. It can feel so isolating, but when we come together it feels like there are times when I can actually feel okay.
I am wishing everything a warm and special holiday season. Hold your loved ones tightly, and don't forget to tell them you love them. Do it every chance you get because you never know when it will be the last time. I love you all dearly.
Now please see some delightful photos!
Kommentarer