It’s been 18 months without you, Teddy… my mind still cannot accept this reality. Today has been the first day I have gotten to sort of relax and reflect from the craziness of moving, starting a new job, difficulties traveling, and trying to make sure Logan is okay with this huge life change.
After a morning at the pool, then cleaning up the apartment (so the movers can finally get all our stuff in here), a nap, and then a nice shower in our new bathroom, I finally sat down and looked at my Facebook memories. It was my "six months" post with the video of Teddy saying “uh oh!” that got me. I needed a big cry.
There is a huge hole in my heart and in our lives that can never be filled. I know that all the good that is happening in our lives right now is because of him- because he existed. He deserved to have a full, healthy, happy life, but all he got was 15 months and 6 days. That's all we got of his beautiful smile, his sunshine personality... but I work really hard every day to make sure he stays alive in our hearts, our memories, and my intentions every day.
I see signs from him every day. My favorites are heart-shaped leaves and pennies. The day we were moving our of NYC, I saw both. I know in my heart we are in the place we should be. We are able to step forward with him, because of him. 18 months is a lifetime to be without my sweet boy, and I would do anything to have him back in my arms. I took out the onesie I keep in my bedroom and held it tight, remembering what it was like to put him in it, and how he felt in my arms. My soul hurts so bad.
It has been a long time since I have written because we have been so insanely busy. I came down to Charleston on June 8th to start my new job with Bridges of Hope. I love it so much, I am so happy to have found a place I truly feel at home and where I can make a difference. After 10 days of my head exploding with new knowledge and learning so much about the organization, the history, what my role will be, and how to do all the admin tasks required, I hopped back on a flight to NYC to finish packing up our lives in Oakland Gardens. The Monday before the big move, I had secured a car that I was expecting to be able to pack up with all the odds and ends and important things we didn't want traveling in the moving truck, but the next day Paul called and told me that Carmax had sold my car to someone else. This started a cascade of unfortunate circumstances that led to the craziness of last week.
I think maybe I'll write another post about the whole moving process because right now I just want to focus on Teddy and his memory, plus how much I love our new home. We were able to get in yesterday, and I already feel so at home here! I immediately put a load of laundry in the washer - that's right! We have a washer and dryer in our apartment! Let me list all the cool things we get to have now that we are out of the city: a washer and dryer in unit, 2 full bathrooms (!!!), a fireplace, a screened in porch, ground floor apartment, a beautiful pool with community BBQ's, a large fitness center, a giant park across the street, a massive grocery store that has anything we could ever want just up the road, super quiet community, and the best part perhaps - central air that we control ourselves. And our freezer makes ice. Plus parking right outside our door. This place is fabulous and $800 cheaper than our place in New York. Plus Paul got an amazing job across the street about an 8-minute bike ride away, and my job is just a short commute. And last night we had an amazing dinner with gourmet food that we can't wait to introduce people to when they come visit.
All in all, I feel so fortunate to have made it here, and I can thank Teddy for giving us the strength to decide to take the plunge. I know that he is happy here with us, and I know how he would have loved it if he were still here on earth.
Eighteen months... I looked back on my journal entries from 18 months ago and can honestly say I never thought I could have ever functioned in the world again. Everything had gone grey and I didn't know how to be anymore. I woke up and my whole world had crumbled. Now, 18 months later, Paul, Logan, and I are slowly building another life, brick by brick, day by day. Many people say, "I don't know how you have the strength to do it," but we have no choice. I have had to relearn how to do everything. Even basic things like eating, showering, brushing my teeth. I couldn't do any of those things after Teddy died. It's only now that I am finally brushing my teeth every day and wanting to eat food. I have had to relearn how to speak with people, to laugh, to stand up for myself, and ask for help.
So thank you all for being here on this journey with me. Today was a very "happy crappy" day, as my SUDC support group says. The movers come tomorrow to deliver our stuff, and I will be very happy to have a chair to sit in, and a real bed to sleep on instead of the floor and an air mattress.
Teddy, Mommy loves you so much. So do Daddy and Logan. We speak of you, and to you often, I hope you can hear us. We miss you, my sunshine boy. I am closing my eyes right now and picturing kissing your cheeks, holding your hands, and watching you play with Logan. I miss you, precious egg. Love you forever, and whatever comes after...
A few photos from the past few weeks:
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