This weekend was a big one for me and Logan. Saturday we went to the Bronx Zoo with my brother and his wife. Logan hadn't seen them in a few months because they were out of town doing a play together. He was SO excited to see them, and I was, too! We decided to go to the zoo because I have been wanting to go for a while, plus his Daddy works there, so we got to pick him up at the end of his shift.
It was so nice. We rode there together and got to talk and catch up. Logan got to run around with his Uncle Jonny and get all the tickles and smooches. It just warmed my heart right up. The only time I got triggered was when we were in the Children's Zoo and I saw other little kids. It's so hard to see parents with two children now. I see the double strollers and get jealous and angry. I should have my double stroller and be chasing around two kids. I want to see my sons holding hands and playing with each other, chasing each other around on the little spider web net, racing up the stairs to go down the big slide. Instead, there's this huge hole. This hole where half my heart should be.
The next day we drove 2.5 hours out to Jim Thorpe, PA. If you haven't been there, I would definitely suggest it! It's so beautiful, quaint, and has this wonderful 19th century vibe. We went there with my brother-in-law and his two kids, plus one of the cousins. We were doing a train ride/bike ride. We rode this cool train 25 miles up the Lehigh Gorge to bike the same distance back to Jim Thorpe. As I hopped on the bike, I realized I haven't bicycled in earnest since we moved to NY from LA. I LOVED biking in LA. I would go out all the time on the bike trails by the beautiful Pacific Ocean. Once, a friend and I even went on a 75-mile ride from East LA all the way down to Long Beach and back. What a day!
This ride was of course completely different because we had kids with us that were 2, 8, 10, and 16. It was a long trek, but I think everyone mostly had fun. We kept checking in with Logan to make sure he was okay. We accidentally left his warmer jacket in the car, so about halfway through Paul gave him his fleece. He looked like little Grogu from The Mandalorian, and was SO damn cute. He was a super trooper. Didn't sleep the whole car ride there, or at all during the 4-hour ride. My brother-in-law had an electric bike that had a seat attached, and Logan really did have fun.
By the time we got to the last stretch where it was only about 2.5 miles back to town, the kids had had enough and called it quits. We kinda knew that they would because at the very beginning of the journey, after only 2 miles, my niece already wanted to get towed by her dad. We took turns on the electric bike (which was AMAZING - while it worked!) toting around Logan, had a delicious lunch of sandwiches and fruit, and enjoyed the utter beauty that surrounded us. There was a river along one side, and trees that were just starting to get their leaves. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I felt a part of my soul reawaken on this trip.
But no matter how much I enjoy anything, there is always that hole. That huge, gaping hole. Along the ride I would think how much fun Teddy would have. Or would he get impatient and want to toddle around and explore the woods? Would he get fussy and make us stop all the time? My husband told me that while he was alone on a stretch, he started talking to him, and asked that if he wanted to, he could send a sign. A few moments later, several hawks appeared overhead.
Right after Teddy died, while we were still in Delaware, there were about 7 hawks one day that just kept circling overhead. We knew it was Teddy, looking down on us and making sure we knew he was still there. We see him everywhere, in the birds, in flowers- my father-in-law sees pennies all the time that Teddy leaves him. But none of these things can fill up that hole. It gives a little bit of solace, a kind of certainty that he is still with us, but it's not like seeing his little smile light up the room or wrestling him while changing his diaper.
I had appointments yesterday with both my psychiatrist and my therapist. It was a hard day. My psychiatrist and I decided to up my meds, and my therapist told me how good my coping skills are. But I don't want to have coping skills. I don't want to have to take medication so I can get out of bed. But my little Logan deserves it. Lately I have been particularly nihilistic in my thoughts. What the fuck are we doing here? What does any of it mean if we are all just going to die one day? I used to have answers for these questions. I used to have faith that everything happens for a reason, but now I simply do not. There's no reason in this universe that my beautiful boy should have died in his sleep one night. It fucking blows. So what the fuck is anything?
Anyway, I know I have to get up for Logan. I have to be present for him and give him the mother he deserves. I want to make him laugh and give him crazy amazing experiences that he can carry with him through his life. I want him to know that he is loved absolutely, unconditionally, and forever. I am excited for his birthday coming up, it's gonna be nuts. But I also want to include his brother in all these things. I have a photo I carry around with us so we can look at it and include him.
So I keep going. For Logan. For Paul. I'm not there yet to be able to keep going for myself, but I'm hoping that someday that can change and I can enjoy the only life I have.
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