We have been in our apartment here in Queens for a year now. I loved our old apartment back in Brooklyn. It was where we brought our boys home from the hospital, where we spent our Covid isolation, and I find myself missing it all the time. But I LOVE our neighborhood here. It is so green, there is no garbage on the streets (for the most part), our neighbors are very nice, and I can literally be on a wooded trail within a 5-minute walk. Our other neighborhood (Bay Ridge) was loud, we were right next to the Verrazano Bridge onramp and thus the BQE/Belt exchange. Garbage everywhere, and our street routinely became the overflow whenever anything was happening on the highway, and I won't even mention all the dog poop on the sidewalks.
I would wake up there to the sounds of honking, people yelling, and general mayhem. There was also no parking ever, so whenever we needed to take the car anywhere you could be sure it would be a good 20 minutes at a minimum to find a spot. And forget it after 7pm. Surely you would wind up at least 6 blocks away in a tow zone that starts at 7am. Here I wake up to peace and quiet. I can walk out onto our balcony and watch the birds peck at the ground and our little resident squirrel, Busy, digging around to stash his nuts. Sometimes we might have to park over on the adjoining street, but it has never taken more than about 4 minutes to find a spot, so I don't feel trapped like I used to.
In Brooklyn I was terrified to have Logan out on his trike or bike for fear that he would just roll into the street and immediately be flattened because people over there drive like maniacs and have no sense of how to be a courteous driver. Heads stuck in their phones, they would run you over and not even notice they had hit you while you lay there twitching and bleeding out. The biggest problem with drivers over here is that there is a driving teacher that always has new drivers crawling up and down the streets, terrified to turn onto a road that has literally no cars going down it.
In Brooklyn the closest park we had was literally under the Verrazano onramp, so it was dirty, loud, and full of kids whose parents didn't really watch or monitor them, so I was always on edge with little Logan running around. Here there are so many different playgrounds to choose from, all within a 5 or 10-minute walk. You can choose where you want to go based on how crazy the kids are. We love Alley Pond, which is quiet, (usually) clean, and the parents are all very involved and usually respectful with their children and actively play with them, so there are very few, if any, altercations or arguments that can happen with the kids.
All this to say, when we moved here when Teddy was 10 months old, the quality of our life improved dramatically. I couldn't believe how much better I felt, how much less angry I was, and how much better my temper was. Teddy only got to live here for a little over 5 months, but there was hardly a day where we didn't go to a park, or have a nice long walk on a wooded trail. I did have my hip replacement surgery shortly after we moved, but once I was healed we were on the move and it was better than ever. I miss those days. I miss him.Paul reminded me the other day just how much better Teddy's quality of life was once we moved here even though our actual apartment is much smaller.
It's so hard the know that time keeps moving forward without our little boy being with us. I find myself building up these walls to protect myself from the depths of my grief. And sometimes those walls break down and I just feel like I am drowning. I can't emphasize how much I HATE living this life without him, but how important it is that I am here for Logan and Paul. I just had another surgery yesterday - to repair a hernia I got while I was pregnant with Teddy that was becoming really painful. I wasn't nervous, scared, or even really thought about it. Before I went in I was just thinking that if something were to happen, I would be okay because I could be with Teddy again. Luckily, all went well and I am recovering nicely.
I had a long session with Logan's therapist the other day. She said that it is healthy for Logan to think of Teddy as a memory. I can't tell you how much that turns my stomach, and I'm really not sure I agree. She did say that he is in the "black and white" stage, where what is here is real and he takes everything very literally. For instance, we went to the doctor for his annual check up, and as I was strapping him into his carseat he kept repeating, "We go see Teddy?!" Paul was thinking that because Teddy was sick when he died, you go to the doctor because they make you better. So in his mind, Teddy must be at the doctor because he was sick. It broke my heart into a million more pieces. I wish we could go to the doctor and see Teddy... But when we got to the office he didn't look for him and wasn't disappointed that he wasn't there. So interesting.
I go back to school in just a few weeks (!!!!!) and one of the classes I chose was "Children and Death" which looks at death from the child's perspective. I am very excited to learn about this and be able to apply it. I know Logan is still so young, and that talking about Teddy will hopefully get easier as he gets older and more able to understand what happened and why he isn't here anymore. I mean, I don't understand it, but I know what death is.... or do I?
When I go to sleep at night lately, I just keep thinking about Teddy's last night and the things I could have done to prevent his death. The other night I was just feeling so guilty and horrible, I just thought, "Teddy, can you please visit me in my dreams? I want so bad to see you." AND HE DID!!! It wasn't a lot, but I was able to unbuckle him as he wiggled and squiggled in his carseat. The rest of the dream I was always trying to catch up to him, and his back was always turned, but he was there and I knew he was there. It helped my heart so much.
I love you buddy. I miss you. I am always thinking about you.
Please enjoy this adorable photo of Teddy enjoying our walk in our neighborhood <3
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