Testing the Waters

For the past almost 8 months I have been in my little hidey-hole. I'd like to say it has been a safe place, but that's not really accurate. I have been insulated from the world around me, mostly by my own doing. I find myself thinking lately of how I escaped my hole when I was first getting sober, because this feels a lot like that. I used to just hide out in my apartment and only venture out to go to work and walk my dog. Not a very satisfying life...

Yesterday I had 2 interviews for student work study positions and I was in a kind of panic mode. I was scared. I was uncertain. I was afraid of rejection, and of what it will mean if I can actually go back to work and do something productive in society. I have been feeling more motivation lately, but then I feel guilty that I get to go on living while my Teddy can't. It is so exhausting! I want to feel confident and "under control" but all I feel is my heart racing, my palms start to sweat, and my head filled with negativity - "you can't do this. You're not ready. You have no idea what you are doing."

The other day I felt excited, but yesterday I just wanted to hide under the covers and pretend the world doesn't exist. I used to love working. I really lived for it. Now it just seems like an insurmountable feat of energy, stamina, and distraction. But it is what I have to do. I can't hide away forever, nor do I want to. I want Teddy to be proud of his mama. I want Logan to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.

Classes officially started today and I am full of mixed emotions. I know this is what I want to do to keep living this life, but it's scary. I'm so excited to learn about thanatology and commit myself to learning about it and hopefully making advancements during my career.

The interviews went well, except for when I had several coughing fits during my zoom with the graduate admissions department. Not a good look. One of the questions I was asked was "Tell me about yourself." It's hard to explain why I am going back to school for my chosen course of study without revealing that we lost Teddy, so I had to break the news to these people. I think it was really important to do that to gauge their responses and how empathetic/sympathetic, or open to talking about it they were. I have learned that I have no time or energy to help manage other people's reactions to my grief, but I want to feel heard, accepted, and have the freedom to live in my world.

I have chosen to work at the Women's Center, which offers a wide variety of services to students on and off campus, and seems like such a safe space to exist. I don't want the busy-ness that comes with constantly answering phones, strategizing, or putting myself in situations where I don't feel emotionally safe. I need a slow re-introduction to the world and this is exactly the space I need to do it.

I had to take an "Introduction to Online Learning" course this morning for school. I realized how freaking scattered I am and how much I need to focus on concentrating while doing a task, especially on the computer. For some reason I always want to be doing multiple things at once. I remember feeling this way in undergrad, but today was hard! The course was supposed to take about an hour and I totally spent more than an hour on it... but I passed it and now know new terms such as "netiquette" "hyperflex" and "asynchronous." What a treat! All in all, I will say that taking this little baby steps is hard, but doable. I can continue to make these changes, even though I am scared and at times unwilling.

Another thing that happened yesterday was that Logan was accepted into our first choice of 3K!! While I really like his program he is in now, this new one has better hours for our schedule, I think an all around better diverse environment, is much closer to home (I have to walk to pick him up every day), and best of all, one of his best friends is going there, too! Change is so hard, and we have tried to make any transition easy for Logan. We had accepted that he would be continuing with his current school, even though lately he has been begging to stay home, but I think this will be really good for him. It's hard to know if you are making the right decision as a parent for your child, but he is 3 and can't make these choices for himself. All I can do is pray that he is able to thrive and function to the best of his ability in this new school landscape. I just love him so much, I want him to be healthy and able to live life the best he can.