Teddy's 4th Birthday

I feel like it is impossible to imagine that tomorrow should be Teddy's 4th birthday. How is it possible that this the 3rd one we have had to “celebrate” since he died?

The first year all I can remember is making a huge deal of getting these amazing chocolate cupcakes from Martha’s Bakery in Queens, where we used to live. I literally can't remember anything else. Last year we took Gambit while he was still a puppy with us to this beautiful secluded little beach on James Island in South Carolina. On the way there, we stopped at like 3 different places to try to find a chocolate cake. We finally stopped at a Publix and got a small, Teddy-sized cake, which turned out to be perfect because apparently the bakery was based in NYC. We lit a candle, sang, and ate until the mosquitos started eating us.

This year I was totally stuck on what to do until about 2 weeks ago when inspiration struck. We always promised we would plant apple trees for him, because he loved apples. Recently, Paul rediscovered this video he sent me while I was working in the city at the time. In it he says “I knew they had to be up to something because it was so quiet.” He found them quietly sharing an apple they had somehow gotten from the kitchen counter in the dining room, hidden behind the table. It was such a beautiful depiction of their brotherly love for each other, with Logan shoving the apple into Teddy’s mouth; Teddy’s eyes wide in joy and laughter, trying to breathe through the apple juice streaming down his little face.

Last week we went to the local nursery after doing copious amounts of research about how difficult it is to grow fruitful apple trees in South Carolina. There are a myriad of difficulties, the main one being that it doesn't get cold enough long enough to help the trees prepare the the growing season. The other main issue is drainage and the type of soil they need to be planted it. We also had to see which types of apple trees do best down here, and know that we had to get at least 2 different species of tree. So, armed with our knowledge, we headed down to the nursery and purchased a gala tree and a fuji tree.

Then came the digging. First, we picked the perfect spot in the yard - down by the back fence where there is a small rise with a little divet around it, so the water has a chance to run off. We set to work starting our holes, and bam! Wouldn't you know it? Found a large old tree trunk that had been hidden by the ground cover. Did you know you can't plant a tree by an old trunk? Something about the disintegration of the trunk rotting realisting chemicals into the ground that can kill new roots. Boo! So we had to move things over a few feet, but it's okay, we like the new placement. Now our plan is to dig up all the sod on the little knoll and plant a whole memorial garden, surrounded by a dry creek to help shunt the water away when it rains. This past weekend was full of trips to Lowe's to get a wheelbarrow, pick out a bench, and pack the car full of topsoil, mulch, and soil conditioner. Tomorrow we will finish digging the sod before Logan gets out of school so we can all plant the trees together.

When August turned to September, I felt this cold depression set in immediately. Fall always used to be my favorite season. School starting again, a crisp chill in the air with the promise of new beginnings, new projects, and my favorite - sweater weather. Training runs are the best because it's not so damn hot. The mosquitos die off and the world is alive with animals preparing for the winter. It was also the month Teddy was born and our family was complete. Now it is a reminder that nothing will ever be the same. That there is this huge hole in my life and my heart. My happiest memories are connected with the trauma of losing my baby boy. I didn't know I would only have 2 Falls with him...

Thinking back to where I was 4 years ago- playing with Logan, making preparations to welcome Teddy to our home. So much excitement and love everywhere. The threat of Covid had died down so I knew that Paul could be with me the whole time in the hospital, and my brother could come watch Logan when the time came. I had no idea I would give birth the next day. The date for his c-section had been scheduled for the next week because he was transverse in my belly (that means SIDEWAYS, if you didn't know). No position I could be in was comfortable. He was pushing on every vital organ like there was no tomorrow. I had to pee every 5 minutes, and I couldn't fit Logan on my lap anymore. But I was so happy.

The day of his first birthday, I was working at American Ballet Theatre where I was still the assistant stage manager. I left a little early to make the hour+ trek from Union Square in Manhattan to our little apartment in Bayside, Queens. I rushed - I ran to the train station and remember taking a photo of myself, sweat running down my face but triumphant that I had caught the train I wanted to be on to make it home before Teddy's bedtime. I had made a chocolate cake and was deadset on letting him enjoy his first piece before he fell asleep. We cut a piece and put it in a little bowl. He took a tentative first bite, and then he grabbed the whole slice and shoved it into his face (as was his fashion). I will never forget him holding the piece to his mouth as his eyes got heavier and I knew sleep was inevitable, even with a tummy full of delicious, chocolatey cake. It is one of my dearest memories and I cherish it. It has been my facebook profile picture since what should have been his second birthday, and I don't know if I will ever change it.

Having this tree planting project has given me some purpose, something to look forward to, in the midst of the utter heartbreak and sadness that I will never get to see him grow. I will only have that one mark on the growth chart. Fuck, how truly fucked up that is... And tomorrow I will do my best to remember my beautiful boy. How precious he was, and how I can honor him in all I do. Teddy lit up any room he was in. He was magnetic. He was magical. His laugh is still one of my favorite sounds, only matched by Logan's.

This morning as I was returning home from walking Gambit around the neighborhood, there were 3 cardinals in our front yard. Every time I see on, I know it is Teddy saying hello, and this morning there were 3! Whenever I miss him, he always sends me a sign. I hope I get to dream of him tonight. If only I could hold him again, even in a dream, I would be so happy.

So tomorrow, please eat a chocolate cupcake for my boy. He would love for you to do it. He would encourage you to eat the whole thing without any guilt, without any regrets, and to enjoy every crumb.