Taking My Time

Everybody grieves differently. I have a different experience than my husband, or my son. It is a very personal thing, but the emotions are pretty much universal. Sadness, anger, confusion, numbness, the list goes on and on. There is no linear movement to it, no pattern. It just IS. And that is what makes it so hard. I never know how I am going to feel, or if some mundane task in daily life is going to catapult me into my black hole. You know how sometimes you can walk into a situation and know that it might be hard, but you'll get through it? I don't have that anymore. I don't know when I will end up crumpled on the floor like a used tissue, or able to stand up and help support my family and friends.

Along with these common emotions comes common sayings, like "take all the time you need." But sometimes these things just aren't true. I had a friend tell me recently to "take all the time you need, but it's good to put an end date to it." We weren't talking about my grief itself, but a part of the process- but about me not returning to my job. It is a small comfort to be told to take my time, but also a ticking clock so that my company can plan what to do. My job isn't the type that I can just not show up, or do some casual work from home. I need to be there at the studios, helping with rehearsals, going on tour. Being there. But right now I can't. It's too much time away from my home, away from my living son and husband. I didn't like the hours last fall when I had to be away 5/6 out of 7 nights a week. I knew the time with my boys was fleeting when they were young, but I had no idea just how little time we would actually have.

This grieving process has been so debilitating in so many ways, but it has also freed me from the cage I used to keep myself in. The cage that told me I had to bend to other people's will, that maybe because they were paying me, I owed them pieces of myself that I didn't want to give. Not just my time, but my energy, my sleep, my running, my family moments. Now I have a totally different perspective on what I want, who I want to be to my child and my husband, how I want to show up for myself. There are things now that I can't capitulate. I am able to speak up for myself (usually I cry when I do that, d'oh!) and say when things aren't serving me.

All we really have on this earth is our body and our time. Back when I got sober, I got really into running, yoga, and working out. Taking time to do the things for myself that made me feel good. I was always on the verge of being utterly broke, but I was so happy. I did what I wanted with my time and it was glorious. After moving to NYC for my current job, I had to let so much of that go. Even though I was making more money than I ever had, I was never in charge of my own time. I was a slave to the commute, to the hours I had to work, to the travel and all the time away from my husband. I gained weight, I didn't want to go to my AA meetings because I was so tired all the time, and my running and workouts were the bare minimum. I stopped taking care of myself. I don't want to go back to that. I want to be free, and now I have the opportunity to do so.

Please don't read into this as me not liking my job, or blaming it for anything. I chose to do it, and I really did love what we were doing, and all the beautiful art we got to share with the world. I am just saying that right now, in this moment, I do not have the bandwidth to give to it. I don't want to trade my time with my family for anything. Not a thing in the world.

I want to leave you with this beautiful poem that one of my dear friends and yoga instructors would read to us during shavasana at the end of our sessions. It has helped me find peace, and now I think of my Teddy whenever I see it above my bed:

The Heart Prayer

I am in this Body, but I am not the Body

I and the Body are separate

The Body is mine only for a short time

Even if I live a hundred years more

It will go by like a flash.

Everything outside of my Heart

Is not truly mine

I own nothing in this world

Everything I own is contained in my Heart

The love I feel for others

And the love they feel for me

is mine

My connection with God is mine

My Wisdom is mine

My Joy is mine

I breathe into my Heart

And breathe out of my Heart

May I not waste another moment

Withholding Love