The past few weeks have been rough. I feel like I have nothing in my tank, and every little activity just takes everything out of me. I have been so sleepy, no matter how much sleep I get. And the sleep I do get is littered with stress dreams about stage managing or performing (why!!??) and I always end up ruining the show. I also have nightmares all the time about being chased or hunted so someone can kill me. So I am just exhausted.
I did apply to the Thanatology program, though! And now working on figuring out an MSW program. It doesn't help that Paul and I have no idea where we will be in the next few months or years... but the only thing to do is just push on and do the best I can. I haven't gotten any interest from the jobs I have applied to, which crushes my spirits further. Apparently me spending most of my working years as a stage manager means nothing to a lot of people and they just toss me away without even looking at my qualifications.... It all just makes me feel defeated, and as I told my therapist yesterday, like a "sack of human garbage."
As I am sitting here thinking, "fuck, all this seems so insurmountable," I am realizing that I can just do little snippets at a time. Take 5 minutes and work on my resume, take a break. Spend a few minutes making a healthy lunch, take a break. Write for a few minutes, take a break. I don't need to solve all of my problems immediately, and it's okay to be where I am right now. Whenever I don't write for a while it is because I feel ashamed of where I am, and I don't want to record it. I realize that it is precisely the thing I need to do to give myself that little push that can activate me to take a little action.
This past weekend was packed with activity which was both really nice and really tiring. Friday Logan's school had a "step up" ceremony where he had to wear a cap and gown and sing in front of an audience full of adoring parents. There were three classes - PreK, 3K, and the Toddler class, which was his class. Now Logan has been singing the 2 songs that they performed for months, doing all the hand motions and knowing the words. But come time, he stood there with his thumb in his mouth not knowing what the hell was going on! It was hilarious and kind of terrible at the same time. There were a few kids who were just crying and stuck onstage looking so very miserable. The event was supposed to last 45 minutes and ended up being about an hour and a half... Poor kids. And they did the Toddlers last so all the tiniest ones had to wait around forever! At the end the teachers handed them "diploma's" and we got to take their picture with him. Before the ceremony we had gotten communication about it- what time to drop him off, when to be there, etc. Nowhere did it mention that he would have to come home and wasn't allowed back to the school until 2:30pm! So we ended up with basically a 4-day weekend with him, which was fun but exhausting.
Saturday we ended up going to a Mets game (they lost) and it was fun. Sunday was Father's Day and Logan drew a picture of Daddy (so cute!) and we went to a BBQ at my brother-in-law's house in Rockaway to celebrate. It was nice- kept us busy when we needed it. These days without Teddy are really difficult. There is such a hole where he should be...
I just dropped off Logan at daycare and have the hours spread out in front of me. What to do? There is a HUGE pile of laundry waiting for me, but do I want to do it? No. Never. I hate doing laundry. I pray for the day when I have a washer and dryer in my own home, but that day is not today. I have to lug everything across the street to the crappy machines provided by our management. At least it's not ungodly expensive... I still need to eat breakfast, but I never want to, even though I know how good it is for me. There are clean dishes that need to be put away, beds that need to be made, cat litter to vacuum up. All the while all I want to do is sit and cross stitch, but I know I can get at least some things done.
So that's where I am right now. Still here. Still grieving. Still stuck in some ways, but taking tiny baby steps in others. Please see these fun pictures of Logan's ridiculous graduation:
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