There is so much pain in my heart, my body, my head. It feels like I am physically being crushed sometimes. My phone just gave me a video of "Theodore Zurheide, 2022," and I watched it. I love seeing pictures of Teddy, but that crushing sensation comes. Sometimes I feel like I want to scream, and the heaviness is so overwhelming that I can't even cry. I just sit there, staring at the photos with my insides screaming.
Okay, I just had a good cry. Something about getting out the words that are stuck in my head and my throat allows my body to let go. Crying is so. good. The longer I live with grief, the more I see how very helpful it is. I used to see crying as weak, especially because I would cry every time I had to have a difficult conversation with someone. (Especially if that someone were a boss or my parents.) I realize now it is just my body's way of relieving the stress it is holding onto.
I have mainly stopped crying around Logan, but on Easter I couldn't help myself. We went to our first Mets game of the season (LGM!!!) that day after a fun morning of egg hunting. We were very excited for the game and to see Teddy's brick installed. (We bought a memorial brick for him last year and have been waiting and waiting to see it at Citi Field.) When we finally found it, I knelt down on the ground and ugly cried. It was both sorrow and happiness. It was so nice to have this memorial, this testament to our son at a place we love so much. Logan was happily running around, and then sat with his legs around the brick. We formed a circle of love and sadness around it. I had been so distraught on the train because I realized the picture I always carry of Teddy was in my other purse, but seeing this tribute, I felt him with us. The Mets lost that day, but the Zurheides were there, cheering, and Teddy was right there with us.
I think it was that night or the next, as I was laying down with Logan putting him to bed. He looked at his wall and said, "I miss Teddy." In the next breath he looked at me seriously and said in an authoritative tone, "But don't you cry Mommy, no no no. Don't cry," waggling his little finger at me. I told him I wasn't going to cry, but then I asked why I wasn't allowed to. He stared up at the ceiling and said, "Because it scares me." My heart broke in that moment, just a little bit. I reassured him that I cry because I miss Teddy, and I love him so much that it comes out as tears sometimes. I told him I want him to talk about Teddy, and that I won't cry every time, but I might. I told him how proud I am of him, and how when I cry, it is not because he did anything wrong. He snuggled me and fell right asleep.
Living this life is like walking a tightrope. If you can stay on the tightrope, life is manageable, but it is really, really hard to keep upright. There are a lot of wobbles, and of course, sometimes you can't help but fall. I spent the first year falling and falling and falling. Now I am able to stand up more, but it is precarious and hurts my feet! There are even times I feel good, my feet don't hurt and my balance is on point, but then something happens and I wobble and fall. This is how it goes, hour after hour, day after day.
Last week after applying to I don't know how many jobs, I finally got an interview for a low-paying receptionist job. I am usually so good at interviews, but I haven't had one since Teddy died besides the Hunter grad school one. They asked some really interesting questions, I think in part because it is for a mental health therapy practice. As I was answering the questions, I realized how truly different I am now. One of the questions was, of course, what do I think I could be better at. I replied honestly that I need to rejoin the human race. That I have been changed, my whole world is different since Teddy died, and I am actually ready to be useful again. I felt like a stranger to myself, as if someone else were answering the questions. It was like I didn't recognize my own voice. But I did it. I fucking did it, and then I got lost trying to get back to my car. So it goes... I'm still waiting to hear back, but I actually really hope I get it and can be of use to others again.
Then, the other day, we got our renewal lease from our landlord. They are raising our rent now we have a lot of decisions to make. Should we move to a place we can actually afford? Should we stay so I can still attend Hunter? Should I look into online programs (Columbia has a good one!)? What the f*ck to do? My brain is a tornado. Feel free to message me with ideas :)
Here are some pics from the ball game for your viewing pleasure:
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