Note: I started this post a few months ago, but it still applies!
Yesterday my son, Logan, and I went to the NY Botanical Gardens. I needed the car yesterday so we were there to pick up Paul. We had a bit of time to wait so we finally got to explore the Thain Family Forest. This forest is one of the only untouched old growth forests in New York City. I have been desperate to get into it since Paul started working there in July.
There were very few people at the garden in total, and the whole time we were in the forest we probably saw less than 10. It was so nice. As we crunched along the path littered with fallen leaves, I was finally able to breathe. There's something about being surrounded by trees, plants, and the wildlife scurrying around the natural world that eases the soul. I missed this. I felt closer to Teddy, and my brain was allowed to quiet.
We decided to go to the waterfall, which was supposedly a 15-minute walk, but with a 3-year-old you have to at least double it. I don't know why I brought the stroller - lugging it around a forest wasn't the greatest idea I've ever had, but eventually it came in handy. Logan had so much fun romping through the forest, running in front of me and then turning around saying, "Almost there, Mom!" Those of you who know me know I looooove going on trails and hiking around. When I lived in LA I was out all the time, running around and exploring. What fun.
So we finally made it to the waterfall and I was shocked. Not shocked by the waterfall, it was quite small and cute, but shocked by the revelation I had. I stood there, looking at the beautiful, peaceful little Bronx River, slowly making its way to wherever it goes... Then, all of a sudden, there is a change in the terrain and a drop, causing the water to tumble in a free fall until it hits rocks and the land below. Peaceful and serene one moment, a turbulent tumble the next. As it bubbles along it doesn't become serene again right away, and any rock or log or bump in its path sends it spinning into chaos again. In that moment, I perfectly understood how my life feels right now.
Now, several months later, I feel like I am still swirling around in chaos. Sometimes there are a few moments of serenity, and then a bump comes and I go swirling away. Like the other day. It was finally nice enough to take Logan to the park, and when we got there we were alone. I pushed Logan on the swing for a bit until he decided to go down the slide. As I walked over, I was hit with a wall of memories. I saw the tiny slide and remembered Teddy's first time down it, and how much I was looking forward to him being able to go down a slide by himself. I remembered him crawling up the metal stairs with one shoe one, because that kid always only had one shoe on! It stopped me in my tracks, and I had to watch videos on my phone right them of him. To remember him, and to make sure that he was real. That our life together was real. That peaceful, serene time before the turbulence of his death shattered everything.
I miss him. I find myself thinking so much about how big he would be now, what he would be saying, what kinds of games he would like to play with his brother... I see friends with children who are now older than he was when he died. I am always terrified that they will die like he did. Last night I was sure that Logan died in his sleep. Then today walking him home from school he was very quiet and I was positive he choked on the candy he was nibbling on.
This existence is exhausting. My soul is tired. But I will keep getting up each day, to be Logan's Mommy and to honor Teddy. Miss you, precious egg.
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