May 7th marked Logan's 3rd birthday! Paul and I had been planning it for months, and I was so excited that it was finally upon us. There is always an element of fear, though. "What if something happens and he doesn't wake up? What if there's a terrible accident and he dies?" So many awful thoughts came into my mind and I hardly slept the night before.
But actually the day went off without a hitch! We woke up early and Logan opened a few presents and played with the balloons we had blown up for him. He was so excited. Then we headed out to pick up the cake, coffee, bagels, etc and get to the zoo to set up. It was a whirlwind of a party, with the host trying to wrangle a bunch of kids and adults who were too interested in gabbing and catching up than doing the games they had planned. It was hilarious. Logan has these two little friends roughly around the same age, and at one point they all had these giant lollipops and were following each other like a little line of ducks. One of their moms said, "It's the little lollipop guild!" So freaking funny!
After we had the cake (which was flipping delicious! Raspberry jam and custard filling with a soft buttercream on top) we went out to the petting zoo farm area and the kids got to feed all the animals. All in all, a huge success. There were 3 moments that I want to zoom in on.
The first is when one of the lovely volunteers complimented my tree of life tattoo and asked if there was a special meaning. I had to think for a moment, and just said, "Thank you, yes, this is a tribute to my son who recently passed." Her face fell and she looked guilty for asking the question. The fellow who was leading the party, however, had a completely different reaction. He chimed in loudly, "Wow, that has a lot more meaning than mine!" and proceeded to pull up his sleeve to show me his shitty tattoo of a wolf doing surrounded by a sword or something. No fucking awareness, dude! Who can one-up a dead child tattoo? NO ONE! All I could do was laugh.
2nd moment was when they were starting the games and Logan was sitting around with all the other kids wearing his adorable bunny mask that he decorated. I saw Paul and we went to each other and just stood with our arms around each other. The profound loss I felt in that moment was surreal. I was so happy to be doing this amazing thing for Logan, but felt the hole where Teddy should be so sharply. I didn't cry, but I felt the weight of that moment and thought of my beautiful Teddy.
The third was when Logan was looking at the picture of Teddy we had brought and set up on the cake table. He was holding it, and maybe even talking to it when the leader came over. Again, he totally misread and said, "Oh! Are you looking at a picture of yourself?" I said, "No, that's his brother who passed. His name is Teddy." This time, the look on his face was more appropriate. He apologized and said how similar they looked. Which is true, they do look alike, but how awkward to bring a picture of your kid to their own birthday party! Nope, we wanted Teddy to be there. Well, a representation of him.
After the party we headed to Citi Field for the Mets game. Logan LOVES going to see the Mets, but he was so tired after his party he passed out in the car on the way there. Then after a little while he decided to take a nap in the bleachers. I went to get Shake Shack, which was, of course, the most popular place to eat so it took me forever, and then I met up with my good friend who is also a die-hard Mets fan. We caught up and when I got back to my seat, Logan was still passed out. He was so adorable. then he kind of woke up and couldn't get comfortable again, so I pulled him onto my lap where he finished his nap. I was overjoyed to be able to hold my little guy while he slept. I haven't been able to do that in so long, and it is the most comforting feeling in the world.
When we got home we opened presents, and Logan was so excited to his new Play Doh vacuum. It was the first present he opened, which meant that he couldn't care less about all the other nice gifts people had gotten him! Good job, Grandma Marilyn!
So it really was a beautiful day, and I knew Teddy was right there with us. I can't begin to explain how much I miss him, but I was so happy to know that I could do this fun day without being a total mess. Honestly, I was afraid of how I would be. I used to be so predictable. Birthday party = fun, so happy Claire! After Teddy's death I have absolutely no idea how I will react. I could be sad, happy, quiet, gregarious, want to crawl into a hole and die, or any combination thereof. Who the hell knows!? I am a stranger to myself now. But I showed the fuck up for my son, and I am proud of what we did. Logan deserves the best and I strive to be the best mom I can be for him.
Happy 3rd birthday, Logan! Please enjoy these fun photos of our day :)
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