Last night I was terrified. Terrified that Logan was going to die. I gave him a bath, read him 4 books, and then before he was asleep I left his room. He asked for Daddy, so Paul went in for a bit to lay with him. We have been trying to ease him into being able to go to sleep without us in the bed with him, and it's been going pretty well. So Paul left him while he was still awake. I was in the living room reading and I could hear him talking to himself, singing songs, and just being a toddler.
It swept me back to almost 4 months ago, on Teddy's last night. He fell asleep in my arms, and I put him down in the pack and play and rushed out of the room so he wouldn't wake up and could go back down to sleep easily. He always had a hard time being left to go to sleep. For 45 minutes he cooed and babbled, and it was so nice to hear. That was the last time I ever heard his little voice. It was a Thursday night.
So last night (Thursday night) when Logan was doing something similar, I panicked. I couldn't get it out of my head that he was going to die in his sleep. And then I thought about all the things I could have done for Teddy. I should have gone into the room and held him, let him be awake and babble. Bring him into the living room to hang out with us, bring him into our bed so we could watch over him while he slept. Would that have helped? Would he still be alive now?
When he died everything changed. The whole world flipped upside down. And it's still upside down. Colors don't look the same, everything is dulled down. Food doesn't taste as good and it seems I never really want to eat. Even coffee has lost its luster. I look at these videos and photos and sometimes they make me happy, but lots of times I just get so sad. The ones where Teddy was still a little baby don't hurt as much as the ones from the fall and winter. Every time I see the date I automatically calculate in my head how many days or months he had left to live. This morning my iPhone gave me a video of photos from May 23, 2022. He had lived over half his life by then because he turned 8 months old that day. My beautiful, precious boy had already lived half his little life.
I am so sad, you guys. So unbelievably sad. I cooked a full dinner the other night for the first time since Teddy was gone. And I think part of the reason it's hard for me to cook now is because dinner time and the few hours after where we all just played together as a family was my very favorite. I loved making meals with Paul for my family. Sitting with them, saying our version of grace, watching Logan and Teddy have secret brother silent conversations from across the table. They would look at each other and just start laughing over seemingly nothing, but I know they had a secret code and were always tuned in to what the other one was thinking. God, how I miss that.
Now, every morning I wake up I am just devastated. I don't know how to get better. I don't suppose I ever will. It's just a matter of showing up when I need to. This morning Paul let me sleep in a little, and then I got up and was able to take Logan to school. I have so much love and gratitude for that child. He is the joy in my life, my reason for getting out of bed. This morning when he woke up he said, "Mommy! Time to get up!"He always wakes up with a smile on his face, and he is so happy to come out to check on his robot (our Shark robot vacuum cleaner) and make sure everything is in order.
Last night after dinner I took him to the Dunkin' Donuts which has the Baskin Robins ice cream, and he had his first ice cream cone. It was so fun to watch him figure out how to eat it. These are the moments that mean so much. Simple little every day things that we could just kind of get through and move on to the next thing on our list, but I am glad that right now I can concentrate on spending time with him. Get him treats, be there for him. Laugh with him as he belts out, "You are my Sunshine" to the whole coffee shop and be totally present.
And now he is at school, Paul is sick in bed, and I am here with my sadness, but also with my gratitude. So weird how you can have such opposite emotions at the same exact time.
I hope you all have a great day, and take a few minutes to truly enjoy where you are, what you get to experience, and who you get to be with.
"So weird how you can have such opposite emotions at the same exact time." It's weird, but it's not. Emotions are connected and you can feel things simultaneously. You can have joy and feel a tremendous amount of sadness, and they can both take up the same space. Claire, you are in my heart every day. I read your blog and I feel sadness with you. The one thing I have worked hard to resist is the "what if" hypotheticals. It's so easy for us to fall into. The questioning and the scenarios that might have changed the outcome.... but that's a torturous practice to do to ourselves and we are hurting enough without adding to it in that way. These ar…