12/29/22
I remember waking up with you, changing your diaper and putting on your outfit that day around 7:30am.
I remember making you cheerios with blueberries and filling your sippy cup with milk. I remember how you relished eating them one by one with your fingers and getting milk everywhere.
I remember the glorious way your beautiful, soft blonde hairs stood up on the crown of your head. How they floated back as you were learning to walk with such ease and amazing baby grace.
I remember you and your brother giggling and running around in the front room of Grandpa's Delaware house, how the sun shone around you and lit up your floating magical hairs like a little cherub.
I remember your smile when Daddy woke up and how you ran to him to hug his legs.
I remember getting your little winter coat on so we could go visit downtown Bethany Beach and say hello to the giant Christmas tree and see what books they had in that sweet little bookstore.
I remember having you and your brother in your new double stroller and how wide it was; how hard it was to navigate that giant through the narrow aisles of the store. There was a big pole that I kept getting stuck on by the front between a bookshelf and the front desk. I remember looking for books for you and your brother, but not really finding anything we didn't already have, so we bought nothing.
I remember visiting the tree. You rushed out of your stroller to run around and touch all the beautiful, sparkly balls. I remember taking the sweetest pictures of you, reaching out with your chubby little fingers, repeating the sweet way you said "ball!" as if you had discovered some amazing mystery you were trying to solve. I remember the man there with his puppy, and how happy you were running around and getting licks on your face. Your beautiful smile and accompanying giggle. How the nice man offered to take a family picture of us after seeing us struggle to take a selfie.
I remember how upset you were to get back in the stroller, and trying to reason with you that we had to be back at Grandpa's to meet up with your grandma's, Great-uncle Joe, and your wonderful cousins.
I remember giving you a fruit/veggie pouch to try to settle you down. I remember the way you tossed it casually over the side of the stroller when you'd had enough. I still carry the cap of that pouch with me in my purse wherever I go. It reminds me that you were here, and that you loved those little pouches.
I remember stopping by the comic book store and Daddy wandering around like a kid in a candy shop, making immediate friends with the owner of the store, and eventually buying a few comics, which he would later try to read to you and you would ignore to run around and play with your brother.
I remember stopping by the little coffee shop and sitting with you and your brother in the car as Daddy went in to get our coffees. You and Logan were sleepy, and so was I. We all closed our eyes and had a tiny snooze.
I remember feeding you pizza and salad for lunch, and how surprised I was that you didn't really eat much. Pizza was one of your favorites, and you had this patented Teddy way of eating it from the middle. But you were starting to show us that you were getting sick...
I remember how you made your cousins laugh, and how deeply they fell in love with you that day. You were so snuggly. I remember talking to your cousin Michael Joe about how smart you were, and how excited I was to see how you would develop, and what sort of little boy you would become.
I remember trying to put you down for a nap, and how you cried and cried until I came back in. How your tears dried when I wiped your beautiful chubby cheeks and you calmed down immediately and held onto me so tight. I remember how you felt in my arms, my sturdy, solid little boy. Now I know you were trying to hold onto every single moment with us.
I remember taking you for a walk in the stroller with Grandma Mary, but the sun was shining so bright and you still wouldn't fall asleep. I remember when we got back to the house, feeling you were getting warm, knowing you were bound to have picked up whatever bug your brother had gotten on Christmas. I remember asking Daddy to run to the store to pick up some baby Motrin to keep your fever down. We were so cautious after your febrile seizure a few months earlier.
I remember going out to dinner that night at The Cottage, which was recommended by Grandpa. On our way out the door I tried to pick you up, but you casually opened the screen door and stepped down, looking back at me with a glance that said, "Are you coming?" like you had been doing this your whole life! There was a wait, but you were determined to entertain yourself and everyone in the waiting area and bar by zooming around with your newfound zooming skills. There was a woman in the bar, who told her friend she was sitting with, "See! There he is! He's so cute!" as you marched confidently into the 21-and-older section.
I remember doing a word search while we waited for our food. You daddy took a video on you trying to copy your brother doing peekaboo and the fish lips he had learned from cousin Kathleen earlier that day, and saying "Buh-ble!" over and over Your glorious hairs were still sticking up. The biggest smile on your face. You love your brother so much! I remember at one point you spit up a little, and you didn't eat very much, which was odd because you always loved to eat. I remember leaving when you and your brother were getting fussy, knowing it was time to go to bed soon.
I remember you falling asleep in the car on the way back to the house. I remember getting you out of your carseat and carrying you so carefully up the steps, breathing in your scent and cherishing being able to carry you safe in my arms. I remember taking off your coat and getting you ready for your bath. It was Daddy's turn to bathe you, so I was busy getting things ready for bedtime, putting out your onesie and getting the changing pad ready.
I remember Daddy calling to me that you weren't doing well, you looked scared and had started shivering. He quickly rinsed you off and I wrapped you in a towel and hurried to the bedroom to dry you off, put on your diaper and snuggle you into your warm PJ's. I even skipped your lotion routine so you could be more comfortable. I will never forget how scared you looked, as you stared pleadingly at me with your beautiful blue eyes. As soon as you were dry and warm, you had your smile back and squirmed to be put down. You took off happily to play for a few more minutes while Daddy got Logan out of the bath and I got your bedtime milk ready.
I remember picking you up and bringing you into the bedroom. Daddy and I had put an electric heater in the room because for some reason the HVAC didn't quite warm up the room enough. It was nice and toasty, and Daddy gave you some more Motrin before your milk. I put on the bedtime music on my phone and held you in my arms, staring into your beautiful blue eyes. You barely drank any of your milk and fell asleep before you finished. I knew today had been a long, exciting day, and I gently put you in your pack and play on your back. You immediately flipped over onto your belly into your normal sleeping position. I rubbed your back and told you "I love you forever" just like I do every night, and closed the door gently. It was the last time I saw you alive.
I remember later, after Daddy had put Logan to bed, we were relaxing in the living room watching "Shark Tank," as was our custom while in Delaware. You had started babbling and cooing. We kept pausing the show to listen to you and marvel at you. We love you so much. I remember being concerned about the cough you had developed, and discussing if we should bring the pack-and-play into our room, or bringing you into bed with us, but you never liked sharing the bed with us. You preferred your own sleeping situation. I remember you cooing and babbling for about 45 minutes, but you never cried. When you fell asleep it was the last time I ever heard your voice.
I will always remember, my precious Teddy Bear. Mommy loves you more than anything.
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