Hi all, I haven’t written in a while because I’m just exhausted. So. Exhausted. Thanksgiving happened. We stayed home and didn’t do anything. The night before Thanksgiving and Christmas I always make cinnamon rolls, the time-honored tradition passed down to me from my maternal great grandmother. They are simple, but time intensive, and I just thought to myself, “I could make them, but I just don’t want to.” The fact is, I had been looking forward to making them for weeks, but when the time came I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
So I woke up Thanksgiving morning, made coffee, and turned on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I felt awful. I wanted those damn cinnamon rolls so bad and was so sad I didn’t make them. Oh top of that, I didn't have the experience of sharing the tradition with Logan, who loves helping in the kitchen.
As the day wore on, I began to miss family and friends. For the past several years we had spent the evening with Paul’s family down in Rockaway, and with my family who all made the trek from across the country to visit us for Teddy's first Thanksgiving. It is always a big event, and my sister-in-law loves to host events. It’s where we spent last Thanksgiving and it was just such a happy time. Teddy was so adorable, just learning how to walk. Last Christmas, Logan came down with a fever and was sick, so Paul took Teddy and had a blast with the family. There are the sweetest pictures of him clinking glasses with my Father-In-Law, and of one of his cousins trying valiantly to keep him from taking all the ball ornaments off the tree. Thinking about it now, I know missed the last Christmas dinner I will ever have with my Teddy. I haven't wanted to let that thought slip into my brain, but here it is, in all its horror.
So this Thanksgiving we didn't make a big dinner, just the good stuff. Stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and chicken thighs. I managed to make the stuffing the wrong consistency, didn't cook the potatoes for long enough and had to use an emersion blender to get them creamy, and totally forgot about the green bean casserole until everything was almost done... But we did it.
After that weekend, my school work really took off, with several papers to be written, so much research to do, and trying to wrangle this girl from my group to at least try to do her portion of our project. It was a whirlwind. Paul and I have been going to a grief support group, which has such wonderful people. It was so helpful for us to spend the time together, talking about the shit we don't want to talk about. During one of the sessions the moderator asked what we were all thinking of doing for the holidays, and Paul said he wanted to "Christmas With the Cranks" it - meaning no tree, no decorations, no nothing. I gave that idea about one second of thought and immediately hated it. I love Christmas. Paul loves Christmas. Every year since we have been together, we have gone all out with decorations, always buying our tree either the day or a few days after Thanksgiving. Last year we bought our tree so early, by the time Christmas actually came the poor thing was on its last legs, needles falling off and looking more gray than green.
So I gave it a week before approaching the subject. We decided to just start by getting the tree. Last year, Paul took the boys because my back was out of commission and I couldn't go. We went to the same place they went to, and it was nice to know that Teddy had been there, ogling the trees just like we were. Logan was not happy to be there, and even a nice candy cane treat didn't get him to warm up. I think he knew what it meant to buy the tree, and he feels Teddy's absence. My heart is so broken for him, and the loss of his best friend, his precious little brother, with whom he shared literally everything.
We got home and started decorating, but no one's hearts were in it. I can't bear to play Christmas music this year, because last year we played it every day and would sing and dance around with the boys. We did put on "Home Alone," though. A classic family tradition in any home. We put up a lot of the ornaments, but not all. Paul finally took one of our pictures of Teddy to put in the ornament we bought him for his first Christmas, which went on the tree last year without a goddamn picture.
Once the tree was up and the decorations out, I got permission to put up lights outside and decorate the rest of the apartment. I put a special little glass tree and a pretty garland on Teddy's mantle. I know he would have had so much fun trying to put up the decorations. Or take them down and put them in his mouth! Last year we had many casualties, despite putting up a baby gate around the tree which we stashed in the corner so he wouldn't have such easy access. The worst one was our special gator we bought in New Orleans on our "Honeymove" from LA to NYC in 2018. I guess it just means we'll have to go back!
So we are a little Christmasy now, and yesterday I spent all afternoon and evening making and baking cookies for Logan's class party today. I did chocolate chip and sugar cookies with frosting. There are totally adorable, and all 3 of us decorated them. Logan surprisingly didn't want to help me make the cookies, but he was happy to test them fresh out of the oven! When I gave him a bath, he had chocolate all over his face and even up his arm!? He especially liked putting this little pearlescent balls on the snowflake cookies :)
So what has this really been like? What else have I been doing with my time? For starters, it is torture. Absolute. Fucking. Torture. For our 5-year-anniversary this year, Paul, Logan and I went to the Cheesecake Factory in Flushing, which is in the big Queens Mall, or whatever it is called. We were early, so we went to JC Penny to get some cute Christmas clothes for Logan. TRIGGER ALERT! I wasn't expecting it, but there were so many cute little toddler clothes. I saw all these little sweater combos that just crushed me. In 2021 we bought the boys these little matching sweater vests with plaid shirts that they wore that year and last year. I realized that I will never be able to do that again...
Back at the CCF (Cheesecake Factory) we were sat in this giant booth that was surrounded by mirrors, and opposite this family that had a toddler about Logan's age, and an infant. Fucking TORTURE. Everywhere I looked I could see happy families and little babies being snuggled by their mom. For some reason, Paul and I started discussing surrogacy again. We want to have another child, but I don't have a uterus. I still have my eggs, and he still obviously has his sperm, but we need science and a kind soul to help make this dream a reality. Anyway, we were talking about names, for God knows what reason, and I just broke down. We're not talking a trickle of tear, we are talking full-on sobbing, right there in the middle of this giant ass booth during dinner at a busy restaurant. I just help my napkin over my face praying to disappear and wishing I could just SCREAM.
But life has this tendency to just keep going. Time keeps ticking forward, the Earth rotates around the sun, and our food came to our table. No one there could hear our screaming hearts. No one knew that there should have been another toddler at our table. No one knows what an amazing smile he had, and how much joy he could bring to a room. No one knows what creative and messy way he would choose to eat his pasta. I'm assuming he would want pasta, because that kid lived for pasta. So we sat there, eating and missing our Teddy.
I wake up every morning missing him. I go to sleep and the last thought I think as I hug his little teddy bear is, "I love you, Teddy." I light his candle every day, and I cry. I cry all the time. I watch a lot of bad TV. "Fear Thy Neighbor" is a hit right now. It's so bad. I go to my therapy, although this week, I completely forgot about it and was just sitting around, doing my cross stitch and watching that shitty show. Thank god my therapist is an angel and was able to reschedule me.
Oh, and I got into the Hunter MSW program, which I am really excited about, but it doesn't start till next Fall. I finished my semester with good grades and so much more knowledge. I still have a hard time cooking, I have a hard time getting dressed. Right now it is 12:42pm and I am still in my PJ's.
But it's not all bad. After I post this, I will get up, get dressed, and go out the door to stay on my half-marathon training program. I have to run 1.5 miles, which doesn't sound like a lot, but I haven't run that much consecutively since January 2021. Paul started a new instagram - @teddysmomanddad . Check it out! We will put more content on there when we can. I hope to write a little more before the holiday, but if I don't it's because I have buried my head in the sand and can't manage to pick up my computer. I really have 0 energy...
I leave you today with new photos, since I finally just decided to pay the money to be able to upload more photos! And.... T Minus 8 days until Teddy's first deathiversary. Please reach out to us. We need support and love.
Love you so much ❤️🩹