The other day a friend and I were messaging and she said she had refrained from asking me questions because she thought it might upset me. But then she realized that I must always be upset, so it sounded silly. This is 100% accurate.
People are so scared to talk about our loved ones who have died to avoid this feeling- being uncomfortable or not knowing if you are going to upset us. I can tell you with 100% certainty that you are not "reminding" me about that my baby is dead. He is literally always on my mind. From the moment I wake up in the morning until the second I fall asleep. And even in the middle of the night if I have to wake up to pee!
Case in point, last night Logan came to me at 2:00am to crawl into bed with us. I pulled him up and then tried to close my eyes. His little head was resting right next to mine on the pillow so I could put my cheek on his head and smell his hair while he slipped blissfully into dreamland. My brain, however, was on full alert. I went back to that horrible night 4 months and 12 days ago, wishing to God I had picked up Teddy and put him in our bed with us. My brain decided to play "what if" and all these scenarios came to my mind. It was fucking awful. When things like this happen I try my best to ground myself. To recognize my reality right now - I am in my bedroom. Logan is asleep beside me, and Paul is asleep beside him. Look, there are my blinds, my bookshelf. I feel the pillow under my head, the cool air from the air conditioner, the fluffiness of our comforter... None of this seemed to help, so I went outside to have a smoke. I brought my Kindle with me and decided to read until I was sleepy again. When I decided to go back into bed around 3:30am, Logan had fully taken over my side (again) so I pulled out the Nugget and my beautiful new Brooklinen throw blanket and slept in the living room. Paul and Logan got up around 6:30am and I tried desperately to ignore them, but I ended up getting up... so now I am tired.
Anyway, all that to say that you can feel free to speak to your friends, family, and loved ones about their losses. THIS SHOULD NOT BE TABOO! Why do we have such a fear of upsetting people?? I would SO much rather have you ask me a question than act like Teddy didn't exist, or spend time worrying about what my reaction will be.
That being said, there are parameters for these kinds of things. Questions like "How are you doing?" are not the best, but more of "How is today for you?" Saying something like, "I have been thinking about you and Teddy a lot lately" means a lot, but you can definitely avoid something like, "There are no words. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through." As I said in an earlier post, you CAN imagine it, you just don't want to. And I don't blame you. This sucks. This reality is fucking horrible and I wish I didn't have to live in it. But here I am. And you don't need to apologize or say things like, "I know this doesn't compare to your pain" because not much does, and that just goes without saying. But everyone has troubles and pain, and just because mine is horrendous doesn't discount or dismiss your feelings, or make them any less valid. You can complain away! (Within reason, of course!) Also, those long, crushing hugs are not necessary unless we ask for one. It is not our job to be a comfort for your grief.
So I guess my thesis statement for this post would be, "When dealing with a person who is deep in grief, it is okay (and welcome) to be honest and direct. If you concentrate on avoiding the cause of grief, it can lead to that person feeling even more isolated and alone than they already feel, so acknowledgement and empathy are some of the best ways you can communicate and share your love with them."
To close, please see some nice photos of random things in my life the past few days :)
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