Who here loves the holidays? Raise your hands! If you'd asked me last year I would have been jumping all over the place shouting, "Me! Me! Me! I love them!!!" The truth is, I still love the holidays. Fall is my favorite season. But this year, and I'm pretty sure every year that will follow, will always be sad. I have been sort of absent lately. Absent in my own mind, just trying to numb and avoid and forget. The pain is so deep that when I really let it in I just drown. Even my schoolwork hasn't been helping. Literally all I want to do is lay around with my cozy Brooklinen blanket and watch stupid movies and shows... btw, I highly recommend the new "Goosebumps" series on Disney+. Does not disappoint.
Last week so many things happened. Most were bad, not gonna lie. First of all, my dear friend Beth died very suddenly of a horrible septic infection. She was feeling a little sick, and then it got worse until she ended up collapsing in her home. She lived alone and wasn't found for maybe 2 days when her housekeeper came in. They rushed her to the ICU, but as far as they could tell she was in septic shock and had been for 36 hours. Her vitals were bad, and they never recovered. Our dear, beautiful, amazing friend is gone. She was in remission from a very aggressive kind of breast cancer. She was a fighter. She had the biggest heart of anyone I knew. She died on my brother's birthday. Love you, beautiful woman...
This happened on Thursday, and then Friday I found out I had to watch the movie "My Girl" for my children and death class. Good lord, that movie. I had a full on panic attack at the end... There's a reason everyone in my generation watched it once and then were too traumatized to watch it again. And now I have to write a whole critical film analysis! Bah. Right after my panic attack I had to leave to pick up Logan to go to the city for a new grief counselor for him.
The next morning I had to wake up really early to leave for my friend's wedding in Kentucky. I flew there, had lunch with my friends, and drove the hour+ to the venue. It was beautiful, but rained throughout the whole ceremony, which was blessedly short. Then we got to visit, eat, dance, and laugh together. It was the first time I felt anything like my "old" self in so long. I missed being sarcastic and telling stupid jokes that slightly offend people ;) After the reception we drove back (thank you Mario!) through a horrendous rain storm. Then I got a few hours of sleep, woke up before 5am and was on a plane back to NYC.
Paul and Logan picked me up and we were able to spend a couple hours at home before going to the Blippi concert Paul had bought tickets for months ago. Logan was SO cute! My little Blip. He liked the show, but after the intermission he was more interested in sharing food and treats with the little girl sitting next to him. It was damn adorable. Then we had to go to Costco because we had literally no food in our house...
Next day I had a full day of work with an event to set up, attend, and clean up after. It was a long day and I didn't even have time to crack open any of my school books! That afternoon as I drove home, I attended Beth's funeral via the interwebs. Before you say anything, I realize I should not have been driving, but I took the Belt which I knew was basically going to a parking lot, so I didn't end up crashing.
THEN Tuesday was Halloween. Should have been a fun day, and it kind of was . . . Paul was able to get off work early to come back so we could go trick-or-treating together, but luckily after the festivities at Logan's school, he was too pooped to want to do anything after his usual hour at the park, so we ended up just going home. Thank God. Last year we had so much fun going around to this neighborhood close to us that is the Mecca for trick-or-treaters in our town. It is so inextricably linked to Teddy that I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it this year. As it was I had a full-on breakdown at the playground where we took Logan.
Wednesday I had an interview for an MSW (master of social work) program that I really want to get into for spring, which was kind of weird as it was a Zoom group interview, but I think it went okay... They only accept 25 people or so, so it's pretty competitive, but I'm hoping!
All this to say, I'm full up. I don't have any gas in my tank and my reserves are depleted. I'm sitting here writing this because I don't want to do my schoolwork... I already went on a run and am now trying with all my might not to turn on the TV. I have 3 papers due in the next 6 days and I just don't want to do anything. Blah. I just want to push PAUSE so I can sleep for a week or so. I'm pretty sure we could all use that, right? I know I'm not the only one who needs a fucking break.
Oh! I also had to get a CT scan and they found "ground glass" and "tree-in-bud" opacities in my lung? I know I've had this respiratory infection for a while now, but that was kind of scary... from the report it doesn't sound too serious, but good lord, why those horrifying names?? Also, why don't they call you and tell you what the eff is going on? Let me just read this report and then go to Dr. Google, thanks so much, healthcare system!
Anyway, grief sucks, holidays suck, my child being dead sucks . . . but the weather is real nice right now. Glad I got out for a little run. Did I tell you I signed up for a half marathon in April? Okay, I am going to go . . . not turn on the TV.... I would never . . .
This photo is from one year ago today. My precious little guy also loved the fall and using everything as a "at" (hat). Miss you, buddy.
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