I am not in a good place. I am so fucking sad. Fall has always been my favorite time of year. The crisp chill in the morning, making that first cup of coffee extra tasty. The leaves changing colors and falling to the ground like snowflakes. The decorating, the planning for the holidays... the excitement of a new year coming...
But this year the leaves falling feels like ashes. When I think about the holidays coming I cry. I have been sick now for several weeks and it just makes it that much worse. I can barely get out of bed. Everything is a reminder of how happy we were last year, and now how each day is a count down to a fucking YEAR since Teddy died. I still cannot wrap my head around it. I know this is my life, but I hate it. And I love it at the same time because I have Logan and Paul. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm killing it in school, but I just feel like shit.
I can't stand silence. I always have to have something going on, which makes it impossible for me to limit Logan's screen time, but so be it. I grew up glued to the TV and my brain is (mostly) okay. I'm on the last season of Bones. Have you seen that show? I freaking love it even though it is completely ridiculous. "I can tell by the diameter of the femoral head that this is a woman of European descent." WHAT? No you can't. But I love that it's so predictable and almost every episode wraps up into a neat little bow.
Anyway, back to this season of sadness. I love to decorate. Every year I add to my collections, and in Paul I have found a like-minded soul who just loves to really get into all the holidays. But our barrel of joy has run out this year. Last year was a doozy because my work, and then Paul starting a new job, and then my back went out and I got Covid, but it was truly the best time of my life. We took turns staying at home with the boys, and Halloween was so fun. They were so stinking cute, with Teddy as a little pumpkin and Logan as a dapper skeleton. This year Logan is going to be Blippi (iykyk) and I am just dreading it. I miss Teddy. I wonder what he would have wanted to be, or more likely, what we would have dressed him up as. Last year I decorated the house with all my fall favorites, and kept having to hunt Teddy down because he would get a hold of some decoration or another and put it in his mouth. This year I can't even look at my box of decorations. I want them up, but I can't bear to do it myself. I'm going to open that box and see our Christmas stockings . . . I just fucking can't.
I honestly don't know how I am going to get through these next few months. I signed up for a half marathon in April, so I will have to train. I think running will at least get me out the door. Paul and I are doing a push up challenge - every day we have to do the date x 10 pushups. So the 1st was 10, the 2nd was 20, today is the 17th so I have done 170. It's kind of amazing how much easier it gets every day. I'm always a little sore, but I honestly have no problem doing them all. I like a bit of pain. I'm also trying to lose weight because I have gotten so far from the person I used to be... But it's hard when you're sick, can't catch your breath, coughing all the time, not sleeping, and have no energy. Ugh.
Anyway, I haven't written in a while so I just wanted to say, hey, I'm still here. I miss being a part of the world, but I don't know how to re-insert myself. Also, I ran out of storage on this stupid website so I can't post any new pix :( It would be nice to show you all Logan's perfect curl of hair in the center of his forehead today. It is stupid cute and makes me mad. Tonight he kept telling me he loves me, and that is the reason I keep getting up in the morning....
Hope you all are having a decent fall. Let me know. Or if yours is sucking as much as mine, please call and we can have a good cry together. . .
This picture was taken about exactly one year ago. "Ball! Pumpa"
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