I have been avoiding writing. Not sure why. Maybe because it hurts too much right now. We went to Disney World last Sunday and returned on Saturday. A glorious 5 days in the happiest place on earth! So why am I still so fucking sad?
The week before we left I was making lists and planning of what to bring, and one thought I had was to make sure to get the crackers that Teddy really likes for the plane. That thought floored me, and even now thinking about it I am sobbing. I wish so badly that I could to plan for what to bring for him that would make him happy. This still feels like a bad dream.
We spent the week having a fun time and making new happy memories as a family of 3 living souls and including Teddy with everything. I tried to take as many family pictures as possible with his photo in them, too. I always felt bad when I forgot. I don't ever want to leave him out of anything, even though he is always on my mind. I'd like to be able to say that I didn't cry, but I did. A lot.
The first day was Magic Kingdom, and it was really fun. We took Logan on the Dumbo ride, the carousel, Jungle Cruise where the whole boat sang "Happy Birthday" to him. He met Mickey, we had a dinner with Pooh, Piglet, Eeyore, and Tigger. It really was magical. We ended up going back to the hotel that evening when Logan said he wanted to go back and was tired. On the bus he asked to see videos of Teddy and I just lost it.
I'm not going to detail our whole trip, but it was a lot of happiness mixed with a lot of sadness and grief for all of us. I just know Teddy would have loved it. When we first made the reservations he was still alive, so we had arranged to have a pack and play in the room for him to sleep in. Several weeks after we got home from Delaware after Teddy passed, Paul called down DW to change our reservation to reflect that he would no longer be joining us. The last day we were there, Paul told me he kept looking at families with more than 1 child and imagined how much more chaotic our trip would have been.... and how much more wonderful and full.
Since we've been back people keep asking, "How was Disney?" It's really hard to answer that question because of all the variations of the trip I had inside my own head. There is the, "It was wonderful, so much fun!" trip with all the happiness and warmth and love of our little family. Then there is the, "It was good, sad" trip where everywhere I looked all I could see was the absence of Teddy. Where the sun wasn't quite so bright, and I couldn't understand why everyone was so happy. And then there is my dark reality of, "I hated not having Teddy there. I don't understand why anyone comes here. Why would you come without kids? What does any of this mean? Look at all the money floating around, what are we doing???"
And then there was coming home. As we hopped into the van to head to the airport I could feel it coming. All the guilt, the sadness, the unbearable emptiness, and then the tears. I couldn't hold them back, and I spent the whole trip bawling silently so I wouldn't disrupt Logan or the other family in the vehicle. This emptiness and sadness stayed with me for days. It was so hard just to get out of bed. I laid around all day feeling like a sack of shit. I think part of it was obviously the emotional stress of the trip finally coming out, but also returning to our sad life without our baby. Knowing that our happy trip was behind us, and now the rest of eternity stretches out with no hope or solace. No job to return to, no people to hang around with, no roller coasters to go on or fun Mickey-shaped waffles to eat.
But something shifted around Wednesday. I woke up and kept checking for hours for Logan's 3K placement results. Slight tangent here- how insane is it that I have to put in for a lottery for my child to go to school? NYC is great because it HAS universal 3K and Pre-K, but it is a fucking rat race and totally uncool. Why can't it be just based on where you live? Isn't that why we chose this neighborhood in particular? What the fuck.
Okay anyway, so we ended up getting the results and he got into his 5th choice. Bullshit! I so wanted him to go to this other one, and the woman told us when we applied that he would probably be able to get in, so I was just banking on it. So when the reality hit I was mad. And then our good neighbor friend texted that her daughter had gotten into our first choice and I was so livid. I hadn't been that enraged in a long time. That coupled with the fact that Paul was (once again) overlooked for a full-time position with his company, and I didn't have a job just made me fly off the handle. I mean look at us! Our life has just been utterly shattered. Absolutely NOTHING is the way it should be. So I wanted to wallow. We desperately needed groceries, but I was just willing to sit on my rocking chair, smoking cigarettes and fuming until Paul and I talked. We decided that every sign we see keeps making us more and more sure that our future is not here in Bayside, NY, but somewhere else.
We put on our shoes and hauled our butts to Trader Joe's, my favorite supermarket. I fucking LOVE TJ's. It's the best. And then my phone dinged and I had gotten an email saying that Logan had been offered a waitlist spot at his current school. And then Paul got an email with an invitation to interview with another company. So what started out as the worst day ever, turned around. It was so strange.
Anyway, this has been a long and very tangential post, but I know you all missed me and my ramblings! And for being patient readers, I give you the gift of some fun photos from our amazing, fun, sad, sweaty, and joyful trip.
Yorumlar