Before Teddy died, I didn't really have a problem making decisions. The hardest one was usually what to cook for dinner, or if I had then energy to cook. Research tells us that we make thousands of choices each day - what time to wake up, when to brush our teeth, what to have for breakfast, do I fight with my toddler over when we take a walk? Decisions, one after another, make up the majority of what we do.
Since we lost Teddy, I have been incapacitated. I can't choose what to have for breakfast, so it's usually just 2-3 cups of coffee. I don't know what I'm doing today, so I stay in my pajamas until 5pm. For some reason taking a shower is so daunting, I have to honestly say that most weeks I only take maybe 2-3 showers. One time I think I went 5 days without cleaning my body. I think it just takes so much energy just to wake up and face the day- another day without my child- that I just don't have the energy for anything else. Especially this past week.
I am proud of myself for yesterday. We had plans all week to go to the Hall of Science in Flushing, Queens. Lately Logan has been really into rockets and he has always loved robots, so we were excited to be able to introduce him to this wonderful place full of imagination, engineering, and ROCKETS and ROBOTS! I was able to wake up, eat breakfast, take a shower, and get ready. Paul, on the other hand, was having a dark day. He needed time and space to just be, which he rarely, if ever, gets due to him working and then coming home to take care of both Logan and his incapacitated wife. Instead of throwing in the towel and joining him on his grief journey, I finished getting us ready and headed out the door. It was helpful to know a friend of our's and their son, whom Logan had known since they were tiny babies, would be joining us.
And we had a good time! Logan loved the robot, and seeing the rocket ships, and play with all the magnets, gadgets, and especially watching these light handkerchiefs float up through a clear plastic tube with the help of a small fan blowing from underneath. Science! Physics! For toddlers! And I didn't cry the whole time we were there, even when I saw little one-year-olds. There weren't many of them, thank god, it was mostly older children who could somewhat grasp the concepts this place was supposed to be teaching them.
Then, later, Paul's father and his partner came over and we went out to dinner at our usual diner. This diner has so many mixed memories for me. We would take Logan and Teddy there, often, and I have many picture of Teddy slurping up noodles and eating French fries, one of his favorite foods. We also wen there with our combined families the day before Teddy's funeral, which was a completely overwhelming experience. Since then it has just been the 3 of us, and I think we only went once... but I was able to know that I really wanted French toast, eggs, and bacon for dinner. I had the strength to make that choice.
I have also made another, huge decision. One that will impact my entire family and my future career. I am proud of this decision, because I didn't take it lightly. I have been thinking about it for months, even before Teddy died, and the past few weeks I have felt more calm the stronger I am in my resolve to do what I am about to do today. I will tell you later, once it is all said and done, but for now I will leave you with the mystery.
So today, I sit here, still in my pajamas, still not having eaten breakfast and on my second cup of coffee. I figure I'll get dressed and maybe do a workout, something to make me feel more alive, but I will sit with my indecision a bit longer, until I am strong enough to move forward. Taking care of yourself looks different for everyone, and today I am going to be with my decisions, or lack thereof.
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