Today I had the day with Logan while Paul was at work. He and I had so much fun, and then he started watching videos of Teddy. This usually makes me very happy, because I LOVE watching videos of him. But something about today has made it so hard. I started crying this morning when he first started, but managed to pull myself together pretty quickly. Logan really doesn't like it when I cry. Then this afternoon I just got really exhausted, and he was watching videos again after Paul got home. Then we got this fabulous news that friends of ours are expecting a baby, and I just lost it.
When Logan watches videos he doesn't just watch one after another. He watches the same video over and over and over and over. He has watched some of them so much he knows every word, inflection, placement of a laugh or a giggle. It's really uncanny. And then he will repeat things over and over, like the way Teddy says, "Daddeeeeee" in one video. And I just can't take it right now.
Something about life continuing and growing for so many of my friends lately makes me feel that much more stuck in time. I feel like I am standing still while everything is just flying on around me without a care in the world. With no one stopping by to look at me, or help me feel my grief. Because life does go on. It goes on for everyone but Teddy. Teddy is stuck now, in our memories, in photos and videos on our phone. Never to have another one taken after 12/29/2022. And I can't stand it. I feel like I am being torn apart.
Yesterday it took Paul longer to get home than I thought, and I just knew he had been killed in an accident. The other day I was laying down in bed when he got home and he didn't hear me respond when he came in with Logan and instantly knew I had killed myself. So that's where we're at right now.
I really can't reiterate how much it means for people to keep reaching out. To keep saying Teddy's name, and telling us stories about him. He was such a joyful boy, and everyone who knew him loved him. I need to hear that. I have stopped getting phone calls and messages, save for a few brave souls who continue to reach out (a huge thank you to those of you - you know who you are).
I am just really sad and want my Teddy here. I just closed my eyes and tried to remember what it was like to hold him in my arms and kiss the back of his head. I miss you, my precious angel bear.
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