Today started as many of our days now do. Except that for some reason last night I decided to fall asleep fully dressed on the Nugget, a modular-style little couch we bought for the kids for Christmas in 2021. Over the past two years we have learned of its majesty and so many uses. Kids want a slide, just put it up on the couch! Kids want to climb, just fold it into a tent shape! Want a fort? Cover the climb zone with a blanket. Want to keep your kids away from the maintenance workers while they figure out how to disassemble your fridge to get it out of the kitchen so you can have the new one delivered? Just make a soft barrier with its pieces and entertain kids in a safe zone! Need a bed away from bed so you can keep watching The Blacklist until you fall into a blissful slumber? Just add pillows and a blankie and voila!
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. So, wake up, remember that your beautiful baby is dead and you can't see his smiling face and change him out of his onesie that his diaper leaked through again. Manage to pull yourself up and bumble your way to the kitchen to put on the first pot of coffee for the day, use the bathroom and greet your living child with a smile and "good morning!"
We got Logan ready for daycare and had to figure out what to bring to the Easter party they were having today. The invite mentioned juice, so we figured that would be the easiest. When we picked him up, he had so many little goodie bags, carefully curated with little Easter toys, candies, and adorable little bunny things, we felt like total failures, but what the hell? At least they had some juice to wash down the chocolate. We dropped him off together, because today is Paul's day off. Then we went to Costco, something we hadn't done since Teddy died. I was really proud of us for doing this. I can't tell you how many times I have had plans to go somewhere and do something, just to say "fuck it, I don't have the energy," so this was a big deal.
We shocked ourselves by spending less than we thought, and went back home. The rest of the day was spent doing cross stitch and watching TV and I was able to take a little nap. Then we picked up Logan and I took him out on his tricycle while Paul cooked dinner. Right before dinner, Logan was rolling around on the bike we had gotten Teddy for his first birthday. He looked back at me and said happily, "It's Logan's bike!" I responded, "No, it's Teddy's bike. You are riding it, but it's still Teddy's bike, even though he can't use it anymore." He kept repeating, "Logan's bike, Logan's bike."
It made me really sad. Then we sat down to dinner and all of a sudden out of nowhere, Logan asks, "Where's Teddy?" It broke me. I'm talking full on shuddering sobs and I had to leave the table. I went into our bedroom where we still have all the poster boards from Teddy's funeral that are covered in pictures of him. I spread them out all around me and clutched the last article of clothing he ever wore - a blue and grey striped onesie with an alligator on it - to my chest and let the black hole swallow me.
I fucking HATE this reality. Why is it still real? Why can't I wake up from this horrifying nightmare? How is he gone? Why is he gone? How am I supposed to move forward without him? You know what else I hate? Platitudes. "He'll always be with you.""It will get easier with time." "There's a reason for everything." "Maybe you can have another child!" To each of these I say a hearty FUCK YOU. Fuck you, fuck off, and get out of my fucking face. Some woman AT TEDDY'S FUNERAL said "Maybe God will gift you with another child." Go fuck yourself. He's not a goldfish you can just replace. He was my child. I carried him for 9 months in my body. I had to have a hysterectomy due to complications. He completed our beautiful family. He was our little Teddy Bear. A living, breathing angel who had a life, a personality, a big brother whom he adored, toys he loved, shows he liked to watch, music and snacks he enjoyed, getting and giving hugs, sharpening his walking skills, and he loved everyone. He had a smile that could light up the world. So fuck all that noise.
Anyway, that was my day. Here's a picture of Logan under his favorite tree.
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