It's Easter weekend. When I was a kid, I loved Easter. My mom would go all-out and we would have a huge egg hunt in the morning, get all hopped up on chocolate eggs and then get all primped and dressed up for Easter service at our church. It was always such a happy time. As I got older and pulled away from organized religion, Easter's fun kind of fell into the background, but my mom always sent cute cards and kept the memory of it alive for me.
Last year was our first and only Easter with Teddy. He was too little for an egg hunt but we had one for Logan, who had SO much fun searching for eggs and to this day calls jelly beans "eggs." We went to a cute Easter celebration with our friends at the airfield in Brooklyn. It was adorable. You could feed the baby animals, play on tractors, meet the Easter Bunny, go on a little hay bale ride around a parking lot, and do an egg hunt. It was fun even though it was so cold and windy. The kids had a blast and were so darn cute.
A few days ago I had a tuna melt from the diner down the street and promptly got food poisoning. I spent most of the night up with stomach cramps, and the next day was a blur of sleeping and being sick. What fun! Today I woke up and felt a lot better, until I tried to drink my breakfast smoothie. I got a few sips down before my stomach told me that we would no longer be doing that. Paul and I took showers and got ready to go to the Easter celebration at our local park. They have really fun seasonal events that we usually go to, and the last one was for fall. I took Logan and Teddy and met some friends there. We picked pumpkins and ate hot dogs. It was fun, but I remembered being a little overwhelmed because it was just me since Paul was working that day.
So today we brought Logan and all I could do was remember what it had been like having Teddy there last fall. There were SO many families there. Tons of little kids running around, crying about having to wait in line, laughing, carrying around their little Easter baskets to collect goodies. I was okay until my stomach started swirling, and then I sat down at a bench and proceeded to have a breakdown. I started crying, and once those floodgates opened I just couldn't pull myself back together. I just kept thinking, "Why can't Teddy be here? Why does he have to be gone? Why can't I just be here for Logan and be the mommy he deserves today?"
I hate that some days I just can't deal. I wanted to do the egg hunt with Logan. I wanted to see the smile on his face when he got to see what was inside the eggs. Yesterday I wanted to go to the store to pick up some eggs to do our hunt tomorrow morning, but my body and my soul are just broken right now. My back hurts from all the laying around I did, and my tummy is both hungry and angry and I can't eat anything. I just feel so broken.
Paul wrapped his arms around me as I sat sobbing at the picnic table and I shared these thoughts with him. He told me, "It's not fair. He (Teddy) should be here with us. Maybe you can't enjoy it this year, but it won't be forever. The balloon will inflate, and it will get easier." God, I hope that's true.
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