I got into the Thanatology program at Brooklyn College! It is kind of strange to be looking forward to something, but it beats the aimless wandering I have been feeling for the past few months. I can register for classes as soon as they accept my immunization records (who knew for all online classes you still had to do this!?).
Lately I have been... I don't want to say obsessed... but very intrigued with true crime homicides. I listen to some really great podcasts - "Buried Bones" is my new favorite- and kind of have trouble enjoying anything else. Even the grief podcasts are kind of difficult for me right now. It's very interesting and I definitely can't explain why it's happening, but there you go. Usually I walk Logan to school and he watching his iPad while I listen to my stories. Now since Paul has new hours, I have to wait to pick him up so I have to develop a new excuse to get my detective hat on in the morning.
I find that I have a really hard time with quiet. Right now it is silent in my apartment. Logan is at school, Paul is at his new job at the Bronx Botanic Gardens (yay!!) and here I am, alone, in the silence. I always have to have something on- a podcast, the TV, but very rarely music. I just don't like being alone with my thoughts. I tend to think about things I can't control, especially about what I could have done to save Teddy, or how fucked up our lives are right now.
The other night I was putting Logan to bed, and we always have to be in the room when he falls asleep. I think he is scared to fall asleep, especially alone. He knows his brother never woke up, and I can only imagine what that must be like for him. Anyway, I was looking at his sweet little face, thinking about how much I love and adore him, and then all of a sudden I was back in Delaware, waking up to my husband shouting my name. It was so horrific. I got out of the bed and left Logan sleeping safely and peacefully. I became irate. Why can't I just enjoy one moment with my son?! Why did this have to happen? Is it my brain trying to protect me from loving too much? From being too attached to Logan in case something happens and he dies, too? WTF, brain. And FUCK YOU, PTSD!
Our neighbors had their baby. A little boy. I can't remember if I mentioned it in my last post, but since then it has been a struggle. They now have 2 boys and they are the same age difference as Logan and Teddy. I don't want to give away too much, but she ended up having and emergency c-section and it turns out the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. For them it was just a close call, but they have him, safe and sound and healthy at home. They have no idea how close they came to joining this horrific club. And I don't want them to ever know what it is like. I am glad that they are all okay, but it is just hard to watch. I feel jealous, and happy, and sad, and angry. I also find myself remembering what it was like when we were at that stage. How honestly easier it was with 2 babies. How Paul and I really teamed up to divide and conquer and keep our little family afloat. I miss it, god, how I miss it.
I have had more energy lately (thanks, salads!) and yesterday decided to organize Logan's toys. I felt like I was on crack, running around, pulling everything out of everywhere, trying to get things in order. It was a madhouse, but it felt good to be able to organize and take stock. We did a big toy purge right before Christmas, and I'm glad we did it, but at the same time now I am sad that we might have gotten rid of so many of the things Teddy loved to play with. But we did keep the important ones. I won't be able to get rid of anything now...
I miss him. I miss how he could come into a perfectly organized and clean room and turn it into a tornado in about 30 seconds. I miss how he always wanted to be with us, to be held, hugged, and loved. I miss always having to sit on the floor so he could climb on me, bring me toys, and snuggle. I miss waking up and being excited to see him and Logan, to try to captivate him so I could change his ridiculously soaked diaper. I miss feeding him his bottle right before bed, and trying to hold him how I used to hold Logan, but he was always so wiggly I had to put him in his crib. Only snuggles on Teddy's terms, please! I miss his smell, the feel of his hair when I would caress his little head. Him holding my hand at dinner time.
I love you, buddy. Mommy loves you so, so much.
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