I feel so aimless lately. Restless, wanting to do something, anything, but my brain seems frozen. Should I go for a walk? No. What about make some food? No. How about clean up the apartment a little bit? No. Watch The Blacklist again while cross stitching? Yeah! But I'm so bored of that. What am I doing? What do I want to do?
This weekend I have to thank my friend for getting me a gig where I was able to work and get out of the house a bit. In November of 2022, I stage managed for her school's sophomore class devised theatre project. I will always remember that as "the last of the good times." It was an easy gig and I got to spend so much time with my family that month. So much fun with Paul, Logan, and Teddy. They all even came for the strike after the last performance, and everyone just fell in love with Logan, and especially Teddy. He was crawling around onstage and just having a grand ole' time.
Yesterday, on my way to the theatre space I would be working in in NYC, I was looking at photos of Teddy on the train. Just picked a random month and started scrolling through. Then, when I got to the theatre, I was shocked to see the same class of students. It was so wild, like a kind of slap in the face of my past life, mixed with the present. It forced me to confront the reality of continuing to live and interact with others in a meaningful way.
We had a bit of trouble with some audience members filming the performance (totally illegal and not allowed!), so at the intermission I approached one of them to just remind them about the rules of recording, and my god, did I get an earful. They almost started yelling at me, telling me it wasn't fair, blah blah blah. I just stared at her and my brain sort of disconnected from my body. I told her, "I don't know what you want me to say." In my head, I was screaming, "At least your child is alive for you to be so angry at me because you want to film them!!! I would do anything to be able to film my dead son again!" But that would be wrong...
The truth is, I do live in a different world than a lot of people. A world that doesn't make sense. I wonder, why do I bother to do anything? What is the point of getting angry? What is the fucking point of anything? The truth is, I don't really know, most of the time. What I do know is that I love my boys. I love my family. They are worth everything. And anything that gets in the way of that is just simply not worth it to me anymore.
So what do I do about this aimlessness? I don't know... maybe I'll just watch some more Blacklist and continue stitching . . .
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