Hi all! I haven't written in a while... so much has been going on, and I feel a new vitality coursing through my system. So what's going on?
Weeeeeellll, in April we received our lease renewal agreement from our landlord, indicating a $100/month increase in our already astronomical rent. I sent a photo to Paul and he sent me back Zillow listings for places far and away. After the Hawaii ones, he sent one for Charleston, SC. That one stuck. We looked at it, then started investigating the town. I sent over an inquiry about the apartment and got a call the same day. Then we started looking at the job market down there, and I found this insanely perfect job for me! It is Program Coordinator for a non-profit bereavement organization that brings resources to schools, provides group sessions, bereavement camps for kids, and other community events. I applied immediately.
After over a year of applying for jobs in the NYC area and getting only 1 interview for a job, I got an email a day later asking for an interview for the job in SC. In the meantime, Paul started poking around for teaching jobs and found the perfect program where he can teach and earn a salary while getting his accredidation to teach in SC. The whole reason he went back to school was to teach middle or high school social studies, and it looks like he's going back to his roots!
All these new discoveries and opportunities feel GOOD. One thing my therapist has talked to me about for the past 16 or so months, is that if it feels good, go with it. If it doesn't, let it go. New York City does not feel good. If I am honest with myself, it has never felt good, even from the time we moved here. Of course there are parts that are good, wonderful, even! All the friends we have made, the jobs we have had, all the experiences that made this place home for 5.5 years. And, of course, having our boys. We were so blessed to be around so much family for so long, and to have been so incredibly supported through everything. But living in this city is hard. Going to the grocery store is hard, finding a safe playground for Logan is difficult, driving anywhere is just a crapshoot. It just feels so heavy, especially after Teddy died. And for me, not being able to work and contribute to my family in a financial way has been so stifling. We have had to lean on our family to help us pay rent the past few months, and it is really taking a toll.
So let me tell you about Charleston. The apartment we secured is exactly the one Paul sent the listing about! It has 2 bedrooms (bigger than our current ones) with huge closets (I'm talking walk-in!), 2 full bathrooms, a big kitchen/dining area with a dishwasher and garbage disposal (WHAT?). There is also a living room with a gas fireplace and a screened-in porch. Now for the piece de restistance: a washer and dryer IN UNIT and central air that WE CONTROL!!! In addition, the community has a pool that is open year round, and a nice gym! Plus tons of parking, a huge park right across the street, and is close to anything else we need. It is waaaay bigger than our current apartment, and $850/month cheaper. Plus we only have to pay a $200 deposit. It's like a whole different world down there!! We went and visited it and we all fell in love immediately.
When we went to visit about a month ago, we stayed with friends (thank you, you know who you are!) and Logan has been begging to go back every single day since we left. On our last morning there, we got so many signs from Teddy that just solidified everything in our minds and hearts. Being there felt good. We visited our new place and it felt good. I also had an in-person interview at the organization and it felt beyond good. So bright and cheerful and colorful, and the atmosphere of acceptance, support, and commraderie was palpable. And guess what? I GOT THE JOB!! And I just looked up my commute to get to work by 9am on a weekday and it is 21 minutes. 21 minutes to go like 11 miles!! When I go to work at Brooklyn College (about 15 miles) once a week, my round trip commute is around 3 hours. Suck it, NY!
I have to be honest and say that I am not used to feeling this good. I really thought the rest of my life after Teddy died was useless, pointless, and that I would never feel okay again. But now I find myself not having much to say in my therapy sessions because I actually am okay. I want to say emphasize that Teddy's death was NOT "for a reason". I would give everything up so I could hold him again, watch him grow and fight with his brother, to be so stressed I don't know what to do because they are wild little boys together and don't listen to anything I say. I would do anything to have that. But I also want to acknowledge that none of the good things that are happening now could have ever happened if he hadn't died. It is such a weird dichotomy, where one could not happen without the other.
The signs Teddy gave us were so clear. First, there were these tiny blue flowers everywhere. Then, there was a little lady bug at the playground and this little boy who was the age Teddy would have been. He was a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed chub that was just so happy and curious. Putting the bark from the ground into a little hole in the playgroung structure (Teddy loved doing things like that - we will be leaving a bunch of cat food inside the heater cover in our kitchen here). At one point he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and I just saw Teddy shining through. He was enamoured with Logan and it was just too much for me to bear. I broke down and had to go sit on the bench. But then, as we were walking back to the car, a beautiful cardinal flew across the path right in front of us. I have never been so sure of anything as I am that Teddy was inviting us to move down south, to find an easier, better way of life as we navigate our grief and try to find meaning and purpose again. Thank you, Teddy bear.
Everyone has been so incredibly supportive of our move, including our current landlords, who are working with us to be able to pay less rent next month. We have almost everything booked, including movers. So here are our dates: I fly down to start my new job on June 8, then come back up for Logan's "Step Up" ceremony for his school on June 21st. The movers come Saturday, June 22nd, and we pack up and get out of dodge.
Of course I am not expecting it to be sunshine and rainbows. We will be leaving the only city we lived in with Teddy, but at least we will be able to bring him with us. Not burying his remains here makes it so much easier to leave this place. Logan will have a big adjustment ahead, as will we all. I worry about being able to go to work 5 days a week and that my brain has turned to mush over the past year and a half, but I also have a really good feeling that we will be able to adapt and to live as good a life as we can...
So that's my little update for now. More to come, and I love you all. Here are some of the pics of our Charleston adventure:
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