Pain

Pain pain pain pain pain. That's the only word reverberating in my brain right now. Today is June 29. Teddy's last day was exactly 6 months ago today. And it was a Thursday. This pain just keeps getting worse. I still can't believe he is gone. How is such a shining, wonderful human not here anymore? How is my baby dead?

These past few weeks have been brutal. I have moments where I feel motivation or bits of happiness, but for the most part I just feel like my soul has left my body. The only real time it comes back is when I am fully immersed in playing with Logan. And even then I sometimes feel like I am just not there. Like I am wandering, looking for Teddy, searching for the other piece of me that left my body. Pain, pain, pain.

6 months. 6 months without his smile. 6 months without his sweet little laugh. 6 months without his tiny "grandpa" voice, without having to close the bathroom door so he doesn't get into the cat littler, without going crazy trying to get him and Logan ready to go out the door, without him throwing his food on the floor and turning over his plate when he is done eating. 6 months without seeing him play with his brother, getting into everything Logan was trying to build or do or play with. 6 months without wrestling him into a clean diaper. 6 months without trying to get him to go to sleep at night. 6 months without fun bath times with his brother, splashing and laughing and exploring the world.

He would be 21 months old right now. Talking more, walking like a champion, becoming more independent day by day. FUCK ALL THIS!!!!!!! I can't STAND it. Why did it have to be Teddy?? He brought so much joy to this world. I can't think of a single time when a person met him and didn't fall in love with him. He loved everyone, no matter what. He was truly our sunshine boy, and I am so proud to call him my son.

I have been kind of living in the true crime world lately. For some reason it give me comfort to hear about these horrifying stories where they catch the killer. The other night when I couldn't sleep I was watching the show, "Evil Lives Here," one of my favorite go-to's. It was a story about this woman who kept letting herself get pregnant without telling anyone. Somehow her boyfriend just believed she was gaining some weight (???) and then she would deliver the baby herself. Then she would wrap it in a towel, put it in a garbage bag and place it in the trash can. She literally threw away her babies. I think if I ever met her I might kill her myself.

I feel like I used to have so much more to say in these blogs, but lately I have just been stuck; avoidant; exhausted. I haven't been sleeping, and when I do it's usually nightmares. I have had 2 dreams that I can remember with Teddy. One was where I was just on the verge of sleep and I saw him- he reached out and grabbed my hand. Then in an instant I was awake, but I know he was saying that he was here with me. It is comforting and tragic at the same time. The other he also made a very brief appearance, but I knew it was him and I was so happy to see him with my family.

So how to get through today and tomorrow? I honestly have no fucking clue. Today I have plans to watch my friend's children while she runs an errand, and I have to get the house ready. This place is a wreck. I have also made plans to see the ballet tonight, but honestly I don't know if I will have the strength to go. Or maybe I do. Or I just force myself because I need to get out... Logan's daycare is on break until next Wednesday, so I have him to entertain instead of just being able to wallow in my grief. But it's good that he sees my grief, because it means I still love Teddy and never forget him.

In other news, I am out of storage for the free version of this website, so please enjoy some photos of my little sunshine boy from past posts.