100%

Yesterday I learned something that BLEW MY MIND. So I am in the process of applying for a degree/certificate in Thanatology- that is- the study of death, grief, and dying. I was speaking with the program director where I am applying and do you know what she said? She said that medical and mental health professionals take less than 11 hours of educational credits dealing with the topic of death. And most programs don't even cover it at all! My own therapist said that the only time there was ever any coursework on death was in her legal class where they learned about who is responsible for end of life choices for people on life-support!

Now I am going to blow your fucking mind. Did you know that 100% of people DIE??? Now, I didn't just google that or make it up off the top of my head. Truly, 100% of us are going to end up dead. No joke! So why are we ignoring it? Why is the entirety of the medical health profession unversed in the one thing that unites all humans? All living things? It's fucking wild. Our culture, our society, has no idea how to properly grieve, and it leaves those of us in the middle of it alone, isolated, upset, and angry. It is so isolating to be in the middle of this grief storm and have no idea of who to call, where to turn to for guidance, support, or just a shoulder to cry on. Not to mention the doctors who have no idea how to speak to a family, or how to provide comfort or use the right words to explain things.

I was speaking with my mother a few weeks ago about her miscarriage. Her baby was between 15-20 weeks old when she miscarried. She went to her doctor and he told her, "Now you're going to feel as though you lost a child." That's right. As she is losing her child, he has the audacity to reduce her pain and suffering, her grief, to the notion that the child she had been carrying wasn't actually real. That it didn't count as a life. Now I really don't want to get into the abortion debate, (fyi I believe in women's choice) but as a mother who has carried 2 babies, I can tell you for certain that that little life counted. And it counted to my mother, who never really talks about it. It counted to my father, who literally never mentions it. It's a big deal to lose a pregnancy, but we act as if you can just try again, that that little life doesn't mean anything until it comes out screaming and breathing.

It's a huge deal when anyone in our life dies, and there is no "getting over it." We learn to live with the gaping hole. We learn to answer the question, "How are you?" with, "Oh, okay" or "I'm alright" or "I'm getting by." You know how I can never answer? "I'm doing really well! How are you?" Why can't we just say, "Oh, it's so nice to see you today"? That's what I've started doing and it works really well. There's no pressure to answer a certain way because of social norms. "How are you?" is the weirdest way to greet someone, don't you think? Don't want to open up that can of worms with everyone you come across. It just means we can't be honest and authentic and are stuck in the cycle of not wanting to rock the boat or "bring someone else down". Fuck all that.

Humans are capable of amazing things. We can be so warm and compassionate. Kind, loving, honest, welcoming. So why don't we use that when people need it most? There is a mother at the park I take Logan to who literally walked away from me when I told her Teddy died. When my husband too Logan the other day, she was there with her husband and they stayed across the playground with their backs turned. The entire time. That's right. That's how most of us look at death and those grieving. By not looking at it. By not holding the space for this reality. I always feel as if I am living in two worlds. The one where Teddy is dead and all I can do is scream internally, relive it, and be in my grief, and the one where I have to get up, go to the grocery store, make small talk with strangers. It's fucking exhausting.

So I say to you, my gentle readers, to look inside and see if you can find the compassion. Find the empathy to sit with others just as they are. And to feel free to be yourself, feel your feelings, and bring honesty to your relationships.

With that, here is a fun picture: