This past week has been one of the most exhausting of my life. I am so tired all the time. I keep asking if there is something wrong with me, and the short answer is yes. I am in deep depression and have so much grief...
Thursday was the 6 month anniversary of the last day of Teddy's little life. It was fucking gnarly. I had Logan all day while Paul was at work and I literally can't even remember what we did. I do remember crying a lot and us watching a lot of Ms. Rachel and Blippi. Oh! Now I remember! My friend brought over her 2-year-old and 7-week-old for me to watch while she took her older daughter to the airport. It was actually fun, and after a little bit of me remembering how to take care of a tiny baby I fell into the groove of it. The scariest part was when she decided to take a nap and I was terrified. I couldn't take my eyes off her for fear she would stop breathing. I was so relieved when she woke up again.
Paul and I have recently been thinking about surrogacy, and having this experience made me rethink how ready I would be to have another child, even if we could somehow magically afford it! I think I would just be terrified all the time. But watching Logan care for the baby was pretty magical... he was so loving and sweet and wanted to do nothing but play with her.
The next day I was exhausted. I even went to bed around 11:00, which is pretty early for me on anniversary days. I usually stay up all night, but I felt I could actually sleep. The next day all I wanted to do was nap, but Logan wanted to play. We found a bit of a compromise where he would just jump on me whenever he wanted attention. Paul worked again, and I was grateful to have Logan's company. I also found out that our neighbor had their baby on Thursday. A sweet baby boy to be the little brother to their older son. I was grateful he wasn't born on the anniversary of Teddy's death. That gut punch would have been really hard to handle.
Saturday was tough. I woke up sad and then had to pull it together to go to a friend's pool party in Jersey. It started out okay, but I quickly became overwhelmed. The host of the party is 19-weeks pregnant, and there was a couple there who was there last year with their (I think) 1 or 2-month old. This year he was a year older and alive, and it just broke me. Everything just felt so empty without Teddy. He should have been there with us, laughing and splashing in the pool with his brother, running around and causing mischief...
After that we drove to Pennsylvania to spend the night and spend Sunday with our dear friends and celebrate their little boy who turned 2. That morning I woke up and we went out to breakfast in the adorable little hamlet of Doylestown. That place is so freaking cute. While waiting for them outside of the Starbucks, a cute picture of baby Teddy came up on my phone and I couldn't stop the tears. Then at breakfast I just couldn't shake it and spent several minutes weeping. At these moments I want to feel embarrassed, but I just don't have the energy to feel bad about showing my grief. Watching their boy turn 2 is a miracle but it also just reminds me that Teddy will never get to have that...
We went to this insane place called Giggleberry Fair, which was ..... INSANE! From the outside it just looks like this cute little place with a carousel inside, but then you walk in it explodes into a madhouse of a playhouse. There was a little toddler play area, but the boys quickly grew tired of it and we headed to Giggleberry Mountain. I want you to imagine a mega McDonald's play place. Now multiply it by a million, add 6 stories, and a million little colorful balls that just explode out of a central vacuum machine thing in the center of the room. I saw Logan for maybe 1 minute before he was off. Paul tried to keep up with him, but he was like a little monkey, crawling, jumping, sliding, climbing up the 6 stories of a crazy madhouse. I was much slower and spent time with our friends as their 2-year-old explored, but then I decided to try to catch my family. I could never figure out how to get to them! At one point I just laid down and prayed for a quick death. Then I got back up and crawled around, trying desperately how to find a way out. I nearly gave up when I got to the house of mirrors. I started to feel the panic well up and my breath get shallow. Finally I spotted it. The slide down out of this miserable place! I went over as fast as I could and flew down it only to fly off and land full-force on my tailbone. Luckily I didn't get hurt. It was insane. I ran out of there as fast as I could!
After a quick jaunt to the arcade and ride on the carousel, we said goodbye and headed out in the 90 degree, million percent humidity to find a place to have lunch. We finally found this place that was so nice and air-conditioned. We had a nice lunch and sang "Happy Birthday" and ate some delicious cupcakes. We said goodbye and started the journey back to Queens.
All this to say, it was a very full, exhausting, and grief-filled couple of days. I keep wondering when I will feel "normal" again, but I know that my old life is gone. I just want to wake up and feel like I want to live through the day ahead, but it's still such a chore just to get out of bed. To be clear, I am not looking for advice on how to continue, I am just saying how I feel.
One thing that is a huge issue for me is that on Friday, not a single member of my immediate family reached out to me to talk about Teddy. Not one. I know a few of them read this blog and I don't mean to badmouth, but it hurts. It hurts so much. It feels like Teddy didn't mean anything, or that they are too busy or forgetful to remember these really important days. I know that's not the case, but that's how it feels. I had an appointment last week where I was able to talk to these strangers about Teddy and it felt so good. I miss him, I miss talking about him and the joyful little boy he was, and how much he impacted everyone around him. It's important to remember that, remember him, and talk about him. Just a reminder that you are not hurting me by bringing him up. I LOVE talking about him, and it feels so good when others bring him up.
Teddy Bear, I miss you so much. I miss you playing with Logan, I miss your voice, I miss putting you to bed, bathing you, dressing you. I wonder what you would be like today. How much crazier would our lives be with you here?
I used to love the 4th of July. It's my older brother's birthday so it was always a big deal when we were growing up. Cake and ice cream, BBQ, and to top it off, sparklers and watching the fireworks from lawn chairs we set up in the middle of our street. This year I didn't even feel any inclination to do anything. Before I knew it, I was giving Logan a bath and putting him to bed without remembering I wanted him to see some fireworks... Paul and I didn't even watch the fireworks show on TV. We watched an episode of Ted Lasso while the fireworks popped all around us like confetti.
I hope you all had a good holiday, and until next time....
Comments