Once upon a time, there was a happy little family. They had their struggles, little tiffs, and tears, of course, but at the end of the day, there was more love than they knew what to do with. Then one day, Teddy died. It has now been over a year, almost 13 months, in fact, and it still doesn't seem real.
Grief is so interesting. It is anything but linear. I recently compared it to a pendulum, but it doesn't just swing back and forth. It swings in 360 and each stop is unique. Sometimes it's deep sadness, other times disbelief, other times "acceptance" or acknowledgement that this is life. Sometimes it's the joy of memories, other times it is the utter, soul-crushing pain of knowing we can never create new memories. Anger, frustration, more disbelief, outrage, feelings of failure, guilt, worrying there was something we could have done. It is a wild rollercoaster that doesn't care if you have anything to do that day - work, taking care of living children, cleaning the house or doing the laundry.
I spent a year in intense grief, isolating and just doing what I could to wake up and be a mom to Logan and a wife to Paul, not even bothering to try to care for myself. I spent a year dreading the anniversary of Teddy's death, taking time each and every day to remember what exactly we had done the year before and drowning in the pain and sadness that we would never get to do any of those things with him again.
But something happened after December 30th. We went to the zoo and honored Teddy in a beautiful way by sending up our lanterns to him. I woke up the 31st kind of fully acknowledging that this is our life now. Teddy is gone. He can't come back. Nothing will bring him back. This is our life. I fracking HATE it. I HATE that he isn't here. I HATE that I don't spend my time chasing after him, changing his diapers, cuddling him until he pushes me away (which he would never do because he loves to snuggle). Watching him and Logan play and fight and laugh and learn and grow together. This SUCKS. THIS SUCKS.
January 1st we went to by brother-in-law's time share at Villa Roma. It was fantastic staying with him and watching Logan have so much fun with his cousins. While we were there, I searched the web for a storage space that we could afford. I finally decided we need to clean up our living space. Our apartment is so small, and there is so much stuff that we just don't have room for but in now way are willing to give up. Some of this includes some of the bulkier items, like the extra pieces of Teddy's crib that have been sitting in our entry since like... June? It felt like a tiny step in the right direction. For the past 3 weeks I have been cleaning, sorting, rearranging. I actually cleaned out our spice cabinet?? We got a super generous gift from my former ABT family that allowed us to get a new living room rug and various other organizing things - a cool storage thing for all my workout gear, kitchen organization, and some decorations for Logan's room. I can't tell you how much I love my ABT family and how much they mean to me. Their continued support is nothing but magical and inspiring. Thank you all so, so much. I love you. I miss you. #abtofficial
My next project is to tackle Logan's room. Yesterday Paul and I actually went through Logan's drawers to filter out his clothes that don't fit, or that he doesn't wear or like. I then went into the closet and sorted through his clothes, but also looked at Teddy's side and actually took out the clothes he never wore. I felt ready to do that, which I think is huge. I refuse to go through his drawers; I need his clothes to still be there. I like being able to stick my face in them and cry, but I am ready to move some furniture around and put up some extra storage so we can organize and get back some of our limited floor space. I also really want to make Logan's room feel more inviting and more like his safe place. I have dreams of him at some point sleeping through the night in his own bed... (even though I kind of love having him in our bed)
Last year I was obsessed with true crime and watching shows that illustrate the worst of humanity (not sure why!?), but this year I am into home renovation shows, which is helping me get the energy to make our space more comfortable and homey (and clean). The other day we actually took Logan's high chair to our storage unit, making this the first time in 3.5 years that we haven't had it in our home. It feels so weird, but that's the nature of kids, right? They grow. Well, they are supposed to grow, but there is this horrible community of parents who know that that doesn't always happen. Teddy is forever 15 months and 6 days old...
This post has gotten rambly and lost any point I might have had, other than to say that we are here. We are still alive, and trying to live and honor Teddy with every breath. I start classes again tomorrow (thank god!) and am looking forward to learning more about grief and bereavement and how to help others.
We love you and miss you, precious angel. Forever.
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